K, SO WHAT DID YOU think of my piece about Barney leaving the White House in disgust because George W. was so lame? Excuse me? Oh, I see. You haven't read that one yet. Well, why don't you just go ahead and do that, and then maybe we'll actually have something to talk about. It's almost all the way down the page. I'll just sing a little ditty while you read. Take your time.
(When the lights—go down—in the citay / And the sun shines on the baaay . . .)
Ah, you're back. So—oh, stop it, stop laughing so hard. Oh, now you're making me laugh, too! I know, I know, I should be on a double bill with Andy Borowitz, the King of News Satire. Well, thank you, I'd be happy to be your Queen of News Satire.
Speaking of Andy Borowitz, the King of News Satire has graciously offered to [not] speak on my behalf. And this is [not] a direct quote!!
"Hi, everyone. I'm [not] Andy Borowitz of the famous Borowitz Report. Kate didn't even have to ask me to write on her behalf—let me tell you, I was simply thrilled to [not] sing her praises! If she were a guy, I'd knock her block off, for she has [not really] got to be my strongest competition in the cut-throat world of humor! And that's no [yes] lie!!"
Thanks, Andy! I therefore leave my readers with this solemn, multi-part promise separated by semi colons: Every time I publish a news satire piece, you will [not] be the first to know; each news satire piece will have its own unique word count; and I will [maybe] not stop writing until I've completely run out of ideas. Which could be any time, so I'd soak it in while you can.
| Kate's News Satire As Seen In HumorFeed |   |
- Hamsters Increase Vitamin D Intake as New School Year Eats into Cuddle Time
- Miss Universe Answers Questions Regarding Theory of Expanding Universe
- Back-to-School Child Model Admits Her Smiles Are Fake
- 'Brio' Voted 'Most Over-Used Clever Word' by Merriam-Webster
- Cell Phone Users Endure Host of Indignities at the Movie Theater
- New Idol Judges: Katy Perry, Steve Perry, Steven Tyler, Tyler Perry
- Man Sees Edited Version of His Life Flash Before His Eyes; Sues Universe
- Texas May Switch to Determining Guilt of Prisoners Before Executions
- Inmates No One's Ever Heard of Thrilled for Lohan over Care Packages
- Christian Men's Fashion Show High in Polyester
- Excess July 4th Fireworks Will Last Well into November, Promise U.S. Teens
- Gore's Crazed Sex Poodle Admits He Too Needs to Lose a Good Fifty Pounds
- Cialis Easily Beats Out 'Extreme Makeover' for Miraculous Home Renovations
- German Potato Salad Promises Not to Invade Summer Picnics
- Fiorina Says Catty Boxer Hair Remark Shows 'I'm a Serious Candidate'
- U. N. Sanctions North Korea for Torturing Dissidents with 'Sex and the City 2'
- BP Presumptive Winner of 'So You Think You Can Pollute the Entire Gulf Region for Decades to Come?'
- Iowa Man Pledges Leisurely Drive Through Lower 48 States
- Woody Allen and Roman Polanski Open Shelter for Underage Runaway Girls
- Miss America and Miss USA Pageants Transform Talent Portion into Nude Fest
- Optimists Easily Incorporate Gulf Tar Balls into Romantic Strolls on Beach
- Rekers Says Conversion of Gay Luggage Handler Coming Along Nicely
- Car and Driver Names Heidi Montag 'Safest Passenger' for Front-End Airbags
- Arizona Governor Promises to Come Down Just As Hard on Illegal Space Aliens
- Gulf Fish Now Comes Pre-Oiled for the Skillet
- Women Barred from Earth Day Celebrations for Causing Earthquakes
- Scientists Who Name Volcanoes and Glaciers Promise to Do Better Next Time
- Sales of Anti-Anxiety Drugs Skyrocket at Mention of Palin-Bachmann Ticket
- Callers Who Threaten Lawmakers Are Crying Out for a Better Vocabulary
- Tiger Woods Sends Thank-You Cocktail Hostess to Jesse James
- Congress Passes Second, Itty-Bitty Health Care Reform for Republicans Only
- Couples Multitask by Honing Bad Parenting Skills in Fine Restaurants
- Researchers Promise Not to Reveal Medical Advances Until Kinks Worked Out
- Female Vying for 'Fattest Woman' Also Honored for Other Pointless Endeavors
- Michele Bachmann Hears from Terri Schiavo in the Beyond: Kill Health Reform!
- Woman Named Denise Turned Down for Jihad Duty for Refusing 'J' Nickname
- The New York Times Explains Its New and Improved Rules of Grammar
- American Al Qaeda Zealot Adam Gadahn Gets Absolutely Nowhere on Match.com
- Americans Divided over Eliminating Saturday Delivery of Someone Else's Mail
- Space Shuttle Launch Delays Caused By Fighting over Window Seats
- From Toyota: Obesity Still Kills More Americans Than We Do
- Tiger Woods Is Unfriended 3,000 Times Without Being on Facebook
- Man with 23 Items in Express Lane Challenges Our Notions of 'Express'
- Olympic Figure Skaters Turn Gaydar to 'Vibrate' While Competing
- Police Assure Public That Tasers Are Just An Ironic Spin on 'Peace Officer'
- Photoshop Guarantees Incredible 100% Success in Reducing Unwanted Belly Fat
- Congressional Cleaning Woman Sweeps Democrats into One Neat Dust Pile
- Supermodels Recalled for Self-Obsessing Defect
- Transportation Secretary Misspoke About Misspeaking About Recalled Toyotas
- There Are Two Americas: Elizabeth Edwards Sends John to the Other One
- Blondes Do Have More Fun, If By 'Fun' You Mean Shallow Entertainment
- Letterman Enjoys More Affairs While NBC Creates Leno-O'Brien Diversion
- Bin Laden Age-Progression Photos Fail to Consider Tattoos, Skin Care
- All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Workaholic, New Study Finds
- Tiger Woods Commences Affair with Self After Seeing Hot 'Vanity Fair' Cover
- Dick Cheney Blasts Pacifier Babies for Being Soft on Terror
- Republicans Open 2010 Congress with Resolution to Rename Great Depression
- Department of Homeland Security Issues X-Ray Glasses Once Sold in Comic Books
- Woman Who Knocked Down Pope Already in Training for Next Year
- Someone's Getting Only Lumps of Coal in His Christmas Golf Bag This Year
- Senator Lieberman on Track to Be Grinch Who Steals Health Reform
- Babies Resist Would-Be Candy Taker, Despite Popular Cliché
- Dead Is the New Tired
- Nervous Investors Bite Nails, Startle Easily
- Trophy Wife Wannabes Now Offered Tiger Woods Red-Flag Training Course
- Free Anti-Empathy Booster As Popular As Ever, Reports U.S. Dept. of Health
- Tiger Woods Claims He Was Just Practicing Obama Gate Crashing
- Nobel-Winning Economist Paul Krugman Slays Opposition with Deadly 'Um'
- Help! Mom! Lesbians Are Taking over Comedy Television!
- C Streeters Hire Sarah Palin to Be Their Cute and Cuddly Mascot
- Donald Trump Names Carrie Prejean Default Winner of 'The Nude Apprentice'
- Spitzer Gives Ethics Speech at Harvard, Keeps Laughing over Sheer Irony
- Some Tea Baggers Caught Steeping, Not Protesting
- Millions of Americans Face Terrifying Prospect of Receiving Medical Care
- Insipid Health Advice Named 'Greatest Column Filler' of 2009
- Karzai's Opponent Withdrew from Runoff Because Headwear Not 'Karzai Cool'
- Man with No Pet Peeves Annoys the Hell out of Everyone
- Passive-Passive Woman Meekly Complains at Area Mall, Gets Nowhere
- Dubya Speaks at Get Motivated! Seminar, Motivates Audience to Get Out!
- Obama to Visit Medical Marijuana States, Will Bring Toll House Cookies
- Balloon Family's Reality Show: 'Jerk Parents and Balloons Plus Jail Time'
- U. S. House Rebukes John Boehner for 'Totally Prehistoric' Ringtones
- NASA Salad Spinner Launches Gerbil into Earth's Orbit
- Al Franken Wins Honorary Nobel for Being Able to Draw U.S. Map from Memory
- Polanski Asks Judge to Send in a Couple of Girls While He Awaits Ruling
- Anti-Suffragist Ann Coulter Promises to Stay Home and Shut Up
- Retiree in Madras Shorts, Black Socks, Oxfords Asks What You're Staring At
- Ahmadinejad Also Denies the Existence of Ringo Starr, and Other Stuff
- G8 Summit Opens Auditions for Cheerleading Squad
- Illinois Woman Finds Unwatched Tapes of Guiding Light, Postpones Suicide
- Obama Was Never Born! He's a Commie/Fascist/Whatever Hologram!!
- American Express on the Hook for $3.5 Billion Charged to 'Current Resident'
- Serena Williams Rams Tennis Racket Down Throat of Anger Management Coach
- Stray Cat Goes on Ankle-Nuzzling Rampage
- Woman Runs Out of Wall Space for Decorative Plates
- First Lady Michelle Obama Reveals Too Much Personality
- Creepy Whiter-Teeth Web Ads Win 'Most Aesthetically Challenged' Award
- Tom DeLay First Honed Moves on 'Dancing with Saipanese Sweatshop Labor'
- Barney Frank to Caucus on Health-Care Reform with Dining-Room Tables
- Last Daisy Petal Obama Picked Was 'I Love the Public Option'
- Oprah and Dr. Oz's Secret No-Sex Video Posted on YouTube
- Indecisive Teen Rockers Thank Sarah Palin for 'Death Panels' Band Name
- 60 Minutes Stopwatch Arrested at Cock Fight in New Jersey Garage
- Ninety-Four Year Old to Wed His Great-Great Step-Granddaughter, Due in November
- Three Remaining GM Auto Workers Will Assemble 'At Least' One Car Per Week
- Congress to Initiate Bucks for Birthers Program
- Republican Health-Care Reform Alternative Features Low-Cost Funerals
- For White House Visit with Prof. Gates, Sgt. Crowley Sets Taser to 'Tickle'
- Mice Created from Embryonic Stem Cells Are Displaying Serious Attitude
- Unmarked Squad Cars Repainted from Nondescript Brown to Fashion Taupe
- Eliot Spitzer's Friends Happy to See Him Dating Prostitutes Again
- Homeland Security Alert System Revamped with 'Sesame Street' Characters
- Biden Promises to Be Quiet If He Can Rule a Small Island-Nation
- August Promises It Will Be the 'Best Month Ever'
- Woman on a Mission to Make Pundits Switch to Sewing Metaphors
- Ruth Madoff Really, Really Hopes You'll Pay Full Price for Her New Memoir
- Governor Sanford Spotted on Appalachian Trail with Jennifer Aniston
- Jailed Producer Phil Spector Forms Prison Singing Sensation, The Con-ettes
- Barack Obama Is the Lizard King. He Can Do Anything.
- God Says 'Enough Already' with Humans Who Forgive Total Weasels
- Apology Form Letter Drafted for Congressional Philanderers/Philanderesses
- Chastity Bono Seeks Expedited Sex Change to Wed Ex-Miss California
- Obstetricians Switched at Birth!
- Rush Limbaugh Cleans His Fridge, Finds His Brain
- FDA Warning on 100-Calorie Snacks: Multiply Number of Snacks Eaten by 100
- 'Jon & Kate Plus a Variable Number of Dalliances' Spinoff on Tap
- Jon Voight Admits to Being Kim Jong-il's Stand-in with Zoolander Wig
- CNN Touch Screen Files Sexual Harassment Lawsuit
- Judge Judy Makes Obama's 'Obnoxious List' for Supreme Court Appointment
- Germans Despair of Fitting Celebration Messages atop Average-Size Cakes
- Cut-off Photos on Google News Shot by Rain Man
- Color Blind Election Map of Republican States an Attractive Apple Green
- Kiefer Sutherland's Lawyer Offers Rutting Defense for Head Butting
- Citigroup Collapses During Stress Test
- Dieters Encouraged by Raft of Salmonella-Laced Salad Ingredients
- Elizabeth Edwards Reveals the Full Story of John and the Vomit Incident
- Now-Democrat Specter Rethinking Whole Anita Hill Thing and More
- Madonna Sets New Adoption Sights on Caucasian Kansas Boy 'Timmy'
- Recent Bullet Deflection Gives Underwire Bras a New Upside
- First Dog Bo Grants Interview with Press Before Walkies
- Geithner to Unveil Next Bailout Plan with Dance of the Seven Veils
- Simon Cowell In Therapy to Deal with Actually Liking Idol Adam Lambert
- Norm Coleman Adds Minnesota Senate Recount Appeals to His Will
- Ex GM CEO Wagoner to Pen New Book: 'How to Stretch Twenty Measly Million'
- French Workers Take More Execs Hostage, Demand Cradle-to-Grave Crème Brûlée
- Oprah Writes Fake Memoir Then Rakes Self over Coals
- Obamas Open Starbucks Next to White House Garden and Swing Set
- Suze Orman's Investment Book for Menopausal Gals: The Courage to Be Crabby
- AIG Will Attract and Retain Best Chimps to Improve Operations
- Gwyneth Paltrow's Expensive Tears Bottled to Save World Economy
- Rocket Scientists, Brain Surgeons Meet to Discover New Hardest Job Description
- Nadya Suleman Founds New Country with Her Fourteen Children and Is Now a Royal Pain
- Glenn Beck Predicts Own Nervous Breakdown If God Agrees to Appear on Show
- Study Investigates Why Interesting Things Happen to Boring People
As Seen In Postcards From the Pug Bus
- President Obama Nominates Paris Hilton As Ambassador to Saks Fifth Avenue
- Experts Disagree on the Value of Agreeing to Disagree
- Rod Blagojevich's Bad Hair Leads to New Vetting Rules
- Classic Christmas Tune to Be Renamed Rudolph the Compact Florescent-Nosed Reindeer
- Undead Unhappy With Stereotypes In Twilight Film
- Wolf Blitzer Announces His Engagement to 'The Best Political Team on Television'
- Federal Government Distributes Thinking Caps to Undecided Voters
- Laura Bush Releases Album of Hits As Sizzling As That Slutty Carla Bruni's
- John McCain Having 'My Friends' Over for Dinner Next Tuesday
- Bush Orders Retirement Savings Mattress For Every American
Finalist in HumorFeed's Fourth Annual Satire News Awards
- Britney Spears to Donate Recent Weight Loss to Anorexia Clinics
- National Enquirer Uncovers Torrid Affair Between Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac
- John Edwards and Rielle Hunter Reunite to Record Holiday CD
- Men Are Really From Pluto, Not Mars As Previously Thought
- White House Press Corps Takes Shorthand Classes In Preparation For Obama
- CBS News Revamps 'Reality Check' to New and Improved 'Reality Chick'
- Merriam-Webster Publishes 'Politician-Edition' Dictionary With All New Definitions
- Palin Doll Sent to Factory for Retooling After Veep Debate
- Amy Winehouse Discovers Dead Sea Scroll In Beehive
As Seen In The Specious Report
- Every Eleven Seconds a Teenager Dies of, Like, Total Embarrassment
- Nature Did Not Connect the Funny Bone to the Satire Bone
- Jetson's Astro the Dog Wins Big On Celebrity Jeopardy
- Hundreds of Talking Jesus Dolls Recalled for Saying Naughty Things
- CNN's T-Shirt Emporium Takes Over News Division
- Oprah Takes Registrations for Classroom in the Heavenly Afterlife
- Emperors Club VIP Will Host Open House to Fill Spitzer Gap
- Everyone Has Now Made a Surprise Visit to Iraq
- Panel Warns of Bushism Toxicity for Leap Year 2008
- Senate Tops House 'Christmas Resolution' with 'New Year's Resolution'
- Mars Named 'Official Location' of Bush Presidential Library
- Dr. Phil Sends Ann Coulter To Her Room Without Supper
- Democrats Unveil Their 'Contract of Wimpiness'
- Britney Spears Offers to Sell Next Child to Jennifer Aniston
- Dick Cheney Will Appear On This Old House To Build Undisclosed Location
- Barack Obama Legally Changes Name to 'Barry Manilow'
- Presumptive House Speaker Pelosi Agrees to Switch Designers
- Joe Lieberman Launches 'Pouty Tantrum' Campaign '06 Bus Tour
- Scientists Work Feverishly To Restore Spines Of Congressional Democrats
- Ann Coulter Rides Off Into the Sunset On Herself
- Study Finds Most Americans Not Deserving of Health Care
- Condoleezza Rice Performs Surprise Piano Concert at Guantanamo
- Presidential Terrier Barney Resigns White House Post
- President Bush Enrolls in Home Schooling; First Lady to Teach
© Kate Heidel