news satire

K, SO WHAT DID YOU think of my piece about Michele Bachmann's addiction to crazy pills? Oh, I see. You haven't read it yet. Well, why don't you go ahead and do that, and then maybe we'll actually have something to talk about. I'll just sing a little ditty while you read. Take your time.

(When the lights—go down—in the citay / And the sun shines on the baaay . . .)

Ah, you're back. So—oh, stop it, stop laughing so hard. Oh, now you're making me laugh, too! I know, I know, I should be on a double bill with Andy Borowitz, the King of News Satire. Well, thank you, I'd be happy to be your Queen of News Satire.

Speaking of Andy Borowitz, the King of News Satire has graciously offered to [not] speak on my behalf. And this is [not] a direct quote!!

"Hi, everyone. I'm [not] Andy Borowitz of the famous Borowitz Report. Kate didn't even have to ask me to write on her behalf—let me tell you, I was simply thrilled to [not] sing her praises! If she were a guy, I'd knock her block off, for she has [not really] got to be my strongest competition in the cut-throat world of humor! And that's no [yes] lie!!"

Thanks, Andy! I therefore leave my readers with this solemn, multi-part promise separated by semi colons: Every time I publish a news satire piece, you will [not] be the first to know; each news satire piece will have its own unique word count; and I will [maybe] not stop writing until I've completely run out of ideas. Which could be any time, so I'd soak it in while you can.

Kate's News Satire As Seen In HumorFeed

• Dear George Santos: Should I Resign or Run for the Elevators?
   
• Congressional Republicans Empty D.C. Store Shelves of Depends
   
• How Not to Wear Blackface for Any Reason Whatsoever
   
• Three Calming Recipes for Your Election-Day Jitters
   
• What Else We Fed the Octopus
   
• The Letter That Broke Open the Maria Butina Spy Case
   
• Gina Haspel’s Enhanced Team-Forging Seminar for the Demanding Manager
   
• House Chaplain Prayers Approved By Paul Ryan
   
• Things You Can Do Around Mike Pence
   
• Hi, I'm Paul Ryan, And I'm Pretty Much an Ogre At This Point
   
• Devin Nunes Attains Hard-Earned Goal of Becoming National Embarrassment
   
• Holiday Special 2017
   
• How to Not Grope a Person: Our Illustrated Guide
   
• 'Did You Know?' Observations from the Desk of Rick Perry, Energy Secretary
   
• Beauty and Romance Tips from Ms. Jared Kushner of New York
   
• Why I Should Be on the Twenty-Dollar Bill Instead of Harriet Tubman: Pros and Cons, By Louise Linton
   
• Scaramucci Memoir of Ten Days in White House to Be Released in Ten Days
   
• Mitch McConnell Says Thousands of Americans 'Will Never Need Proper Voter ID Again' Thanks to AHCA
   
• Paul Ryan Says 'Plague of Human Decency' Embodied By ACA Could Be Near An End
   
• Unable to Throw Millions Off Health Care, Republicans Head Home to Draw Inspiration from Easter Message of Resurrection
   
• In New Poll, 93% of Americans Choose Punching Jason Chaffetz over Free iPhone
   
• Michael Flynn Taking 'Vacation Cruise' on Russian Ship Spotted off East Coast
   
• President Trump Performs First Miracle in Office, Raises Frederick Douglass from the Dead
   
• United States' Statue of Liberty on 'Indefinite Loan' to Canada, Say Officials
   
• Kellyanne Conway Insists She Is 'Just Saying Things' And 'Not Meaning Things'
   
• Americans Celebrate Trump Inauguration with Final Affordable Medical Procedures
   
• Breaking: Another Republican Gains Empathy After Personal Experience with Bad Luck
   
• Kellyanne Conway to Provide Regular Trump 'Heart Readings' to Replace Press Conferences
   
• Holiday Special 2016, Trump-Putin Edition
   
• Virtual Reality 'Twilight Zone' Episode of Trump As U.S. President Being Recalled
   
• One Creepy Clown Costume Is Flying Off the Shelves This Halloween Season
   
• Mike Pence Bot Offline for Servicing After 'Longest Period of Continuous Use' in Veep Debate
   
• Trump Denies Dimming Prospects of Weekly Fireside Infomercials As President
   
• Melania Trump Said to Be Hard At Work on 'I Have A Dream, Which Is Special Dream' Speech
   
• Guide to Not Raping An Unconscious Person
   
• Earth Scientists Confirm 'Really Important Parts' of Planet's History Began with Birth of Taylor Swift
   
• Iran Blows Kim Kardashian Cover: Shallow, Selfie-Taking Ruse Hides Elaborate Spy Operation
   
• Melania Trump Jobs Plan Will Hire 'Thousands' to Build Shoe Closets in White House
   
• Man Who Buys Leaf Blower No Longer Described As 'Well Liked' By Neighbors
   
• Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder Hid in State Capitol to Avoid Detection by Attorney General
   
• Report: Over 7 Billion People Did Not Go Viral Last Week
   
• Plans for Hillary White House Include All-Male Intern Pool
   
• BBB Gave Trump U D-Minus Instead of F Because Cafeteria Blueberry Muffins 'Not Half Bad'
   
• Marco Rubio Campaign Shifts to 'President in His Mind' Strategy
   
• Hillary's Pantsuit PAC Accepting Unlimited Donations from Angela Merkel
   
• Barbara Bush Joins Jeb in New Hampshire to Set Everyone Straight
   
• Cop 'Extremely Sorry' for Using Conscious Mind to Devise and Then Post Racist Sentiments
   
• Michigan Gov. Snyder: 'I Will Not Rest Until Every Man, Woman, and Child in Flint Is Dead'
   
• Women Utter Collective 'Ewww' on News of Jerry Hall's Engagement to Rupert Murdoch
   
• Closing Gun Loopholes Threatens CCN's Wall-to-Wall Coverage of U.S. Shootings
   
• U.S. Senate Sends Early Holiday Cheer to Terrorists, Keeps Access to Guns Unfettered
   
• Jennifer Aniston on Emirates Airline Ad: 'I Am SO Sorry I Offended All the Little People'
   
• Hillary Undergoes Emergency Hypnosis to Suppress Eleven Hours with Trey Gowdy
   
• Woman Provides Endangered Crocodiles Free Shelter in Her Accessories Closet
   
• Lobbying Firms Design Luxury Handkerchiefs to Woo Speaker Boehner
   
• Trump Proposes 'Humane' Camps for Women Who 'Have Lost Their Hotness'
   
• Kanye's First Act as POTUS: Deport Taylor Swift's Music Awards to Beyonce
   
• Ashley Madison Changes Slogan to 'Life is Short. Have a Cinnabon.'
   
• Deez Nuts Getting a Run for His Money from Newcomer Dem Dry Bones
   
• Friends of Jennifer Garner Say She Refused to Read 'How to Hire a Nanny' Handbook
   
• Majority of Christians Admit They Would Not Be Thrilled to Share Heaven with a Sleeveless Willie Nelson
   
• With Greece Properly Subdued, Germany Prepares for Another Invasion of Poland
   
• Research Shows the Only Lips That Taste Like Wine Have Actual Wine on Them
   
• Bill Cosby Wins Coveted Statute of Limitations Award
   
• Scalia Fully Recovered from Gay Marriage Ruling Thanks to Oklahoma Executions
   
• Viagra Woman Sick of Wearing 'Blue Flowy Thing' and 'Waiting for Some Guy Who Never Shows Up'
   
• Subway's '$5 Foot Long' Songwriting Trio Releases Debut Album
   
• TLC Replaces Duggars with New Anthrax Reality Show: 'Nine Labs and Counting'
   
• Court That Ruled Against NSA Promises Swift Inaction
   
• Surgeon General Warns of Health Risks to Black Males of 'Going Outside'
   
• Brian Williams to Watch Oscars from Space, En Route As First Human to Mars
   
• Pope Francis Releases 'How to Smack Your Child with Dignity' Guide
   
• U.S. Wins Jenny McCarthy Medical Ignorance Award over Measles Outbreak
   
• Obama, Biden, Kerry Didn't Have 'A Thing to Wear' for Paris Unity Rally
   
• Congress: 'We Serve the American People, Until Citigroup Wants Something'
   
• South Carolina Man Shredded By Emotional Support Lion
   
• Ex-President George W. Bush Admits He Was 'in It for the Turkey Pardoning'
   
• Kanye West to Sue Comet for Taking World's Attention Off Wife Kim's Booty
   
• Woman's Faith in God Tested Now That Ebola Threatens Chocolate Production
   
• Clooney's New Bride Thinks She's So Damn Special, Serving on Gaza Human Rights Commission
   
• Eddie Van Halen to Arcade Fire: 'I Thought of Smiling During Gigs First'
   
• Defense System for Next Celine Dion Comeback Raised to DionCon3
   
• World Reels As Russia Bans Borscht Exports
   
• U.S. Census Results Show Well-Off Americans 'Breeding Like Rabbits'
   
• Supreme Court Rules That a Wife of Child-Bearing Age Can Be Tied to Radiator
   
• Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential
   
• Though Flight 370 May Never Be Found, World Secure in Knowledge That Oceans Are Full of Garbage
   
• Parents Face Kids' Art Projects on Last Day of School
   
• Tennessee Re-Brands Old Electric Chair As 'Smokey Classic'
   
• Trey Gowdy Vows to Settle on Single Hair Style for Benghazi Hearings
   
• Clooney Fiancée Scores As 'Grossly Unqualified' in Survey of Earth's Women
   
• Koch Brothers Launch New Throat Lozenge with Slogan 'Suck on This'
   
• Berlusconi Offers to Triple Community Service Sentence, At Lingerie Shop
   
• Scientists Hard At Work Creating Monologues for New Lab-Grown Vaginas
   
• Most Obnoxious Person Who Ever Lived Subject to Change, Teen Admits
   
• Paltrow-Martin 'Conscious Uncoupling' Remark Said to Show 'Conflicted Relationship' with English
   
• Ted Nugent Offers Not to Play All over the Place for a Reasonable Fee
   
• GM to Send All Newly Assembled Vehicles Directly into Recall 'Just in Case'
   
• Alan Grayson's Ex Requests New Restraining Order on Congressman's Ties
   
• Suicide Hotlines Jammed As Usual Performers Return for PBS Pledge Drive
   
• Sports Illustrated Model Barbie Insists Her Body Is '100 Percent Synthetic'
   
• Groundhog Predicts Six More Weeks of Christie's High-School Dirt on Staffers
   
• Target Data Breach Extends to Parallel Universes
   
• Aides Say Christie Longs for Days When He Could Just Eat and Yell at People
   
• For 2014, Kristen Stewart Resolves to Act Her Way out of a Paper Bag
   
• Santa Tries to Distance Himself from NSA As Christmas Draws Near
   
• New Crash-Avoidance Technology, Slowing Down™, Deemed Controversial
   
• Woman Escapes House Fire, Clearly Hasn't Retouched Hair Color in 6-8 Weeks
   
• Walmart to Drag Americans Away from Thanksgiving Dinner to Beat Competitors
   
• Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Promises Better Quality 'Hammered' Videos in Future
   
• Suzanne Somers Hired As Regular Columnist for 'The Wall Street Journal'
   
• Chris Brown Says He's Only '30 to 40' Assaults Away from Self-Actualization
   
• Suspended German Bishop's Pleading Letter to Pope Leaked
   
• Congressional Crises Prompts Britain to Offer U.S. Old Job Back as Colony
   
• House Speaker Says Shutdown Is Just 'Very Successful' Halloween Stunt
   
• Republicans Vow to Protect Americans from Health Insurance 'At Any Cost'
   
• Another Republican Acquires Compassion Via Personal Bad Luck
   
• White House Mistakenly Releases Drone Footage Instead of Sarin Footage
   
• Same-Sex Couple Makes History, Celebrates First Gay Divorce
   
• Obama's Comcast Refund Checks Being Vetted by Vatican As Possible Miracles
   
• Hot-Looking People Agree to Stop Saying 'It's What's on the Inside That Counts'
   
• As Anthony Weiner Exits NYC Mayoral Race, Carlos Danger Enters
   
• Texas Legislators Attach Chastity-Belt Rider to Anti-Abortion Law
   
• Twin Cities Pledge to Improve 'Travel + Leisure' Snobbiness Ranking
   
• Obama Redefines More Words, in Light of 'Leak' Now Meaning 'Espionage'
   
• NSA Leak Reveals Special Unit Assigned to Decrypt Beauty Pageant Responses
   
• Movie Execs Thank NSA for New Blockbuster Franchise, 'Boundless Informant'
   
• Obama Deploys FLOTUS to Handle Protesters Against Verizon Surveillance
   
• Men Camp Outside Movie Theaters for Tickets to New French Lesbian Love Film
   
• IRS Admits It Just Wanted to See Michele Bachmann 'Go a Little Crazy Again'
   
• Study Shows Increased Job Satisfaction with $12 Million Paycheck
   
• RNC's Reince Priebus Comes Out as First Republican Created by 3-D Printer
   
• Democratic Candidate Ahead By Two Points in 2064 Presidential Poll
   
• Beyonce Bans Photographers from 'Unmitigated Vanity of Mrs. Carter' Tour
   
• Justin Bieber Praises JFK's 'Ich Bin Ein Belieber' Speech
   
• Margaret Thatcher Dies, but Hair Said to Be Doing 'Quite Well'
   
• Saudi Women Now Allowed to Bike, but Wheelies Will Bring Death by Stoning
   
• Calgon Takes Woman Away
   
• President Obama Accidentally Gives the Finger to Speaker Boehner
   
• People Whose Absence Much of World Had Celebrated Resurface at CPAC
   
• Ex-Pope Benedict 'Not Bothered, Honestly' over New Pope's Snub
   
• Martha Stewart Court Appearance Inspires New 'Martha Rules' Kitchenware
   
• Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong-un Soon to Go out on First Man Date
   
• Credit Agencies Give Congress Triple-Loony (LLL) Rating over Sequestration
   
• Carnival Cruise Introduces New 'Leisure' Ten-Day Tour of Alabama Coastline
   
• Pope Benedict XVI Looking Forward to Becoming Fallible Again
   
• Richard III's Hamster Skeleton Also Excavated, Still in Wheel
   
• White House Soon to Release Photos of Obama Admiring a Hummer
   
• Lindsey Vonn Undergoes Concussion Testing on Rumors of Dating Tiger Woods
   
• Octomom Signs on to Be Surrogate Mother for Neanderthal Baby
   
• Miss Montana Blazes Trail for Other Bikini-Ready, High-Heeled Autistic Gals
   
• Lance Armstrong May Also Admit Not Being Too Keen on Sheryl Crow Music
   
• People Will Continue to Be Thanked for Their Patience in 2013
   
• Woman Clings to Tiny Chance George Clooney Will Sit by Her on Flight
   
• Republicans Consult with a 'Mr. Grinch' over Clinton-Era Tax Rates for Rich
   
• John Boehner's Wife Buys Him 'No More Tears' Baby Shampoo
   
• Lindsay Lohan Signs Grover Norquist's 'No Maturity' Pledge
   
• Men Continue Clipping Fingernails at Work, Despite It Being So Completely Gross
   
• Automakers Issue Joint Recall of 'Every Vehicle Ever Assembled'
   
• Petraeus Regrets Not Focusing More on CIA's Email Policy
   
• Romney, Ryan Still Standing Around Together Waving and Smiling
   
• Paul Ryan Vows More Photo-Ops to Look Compassionate in Wake of Sandy
   
• Charities Offer Donald Trump $5 Million 'If He Will Just Shut up Already'
   
• Romney Promises 'Binders Full of Foreign Policy' if Elected
   
• Tiger Woods: 'There Might Be Something to This Humility Sh*t'
   
• Biden Consults with Big Bird for Thursday's VEEP Debate
   
• Romney Will Raise Hand in Debates for A Coach's Permission to Speak
   
• Romney Pledge: 'All Private Jet Windows Will Open When I Am President!'
   
• Romney Unit Says Work Here Is Done, Will Return to Planet Stinking Rich
   
• iPhone 5 Both Saves U.S. Economy And Revolutionizes Mashed Potatoes
   
• Kenyan Delegates at Democratic Convention to Go All in for Obama
   
• Ann Romney: 'My Husband Knows the Value of A Billion Dollars'
   
• Pat Robertson Prays to Limit Convention Hurricane Damage to Pawlenty Speech
   
• CNN's Dana Loesch Wins Coveted 'Ann Coulter Worse Than A Man' Award
   
• Paul Ryan Believes Life Begins at Conception, Ends When He Kills Medicare
   
• Tim Pawlenty Bores Man to Death in Michigan During Pro-Romney Event
   
• Jenna Jameson Donates 'Fully Equipped' Tour Bus to Romney Campaign
   
• Rabbi Pulls Romney's Trident Chewing Gum out of Jerusalem's Western Wall
   
• Obama, Boehner Unite after Aurora Massacre 'to Do Nothing As One America'
   
• Bernanke Stalls Fed Stimulus, Still Taking in 'American Idol' Departures
   
• Romney Says His $100 Million IRA Shows 'Amazing Power of Compound Interest'
   
• Social Security Administration Gives up, Will Publish All SS Numbers for Hackers
   
• Katie Holmes Seen Jumping On And Off Multiple Couches Since Separation
   
• Horrors of 30 Million More Americans with Health Care Just Beginning
   
• Ailing Mubarak Hopes to Hold on for Season 10 Premiere of Project Runway
   
• Senate Banking Committee Takes Jamie Dimon's Word That Tooth Fairy Exists
   
• Snooki Stops How-to Makeup YouTubes for Unborn Child Now That Sex Is Known
   
• John Edwards Pleads 'Sexy As Charged' over Female Jurors Helpless to His Charms
   
• George Zimmerman's Self-Defense Telethon Airs Sunday on Fox
   
• Romney Pledges to Address Bullying with Department of Hijinks
   
• Romney Vows to Replace Obamacare with RomneyFamilyCare
   
• Woman Says She'll Believe It When She Sees It
   
• Terrier Realizes Fetching Is 'Existentially Pointless'
   
• Astronomers Discover 'Colossal' Black Hole in Bravo's 'Real Housewives' Series
   
• Secret Service Reveals It Was on Foreign-Exchange Mission in Colombia
   
• Study Finds Wealthy Americans Are More Vacation Takers Than Job Creators
   
• Justice Roberts: Strip-Search Ruling Is 'Great Incentive' for Weight Loss
   
• John Edwards Retracts Denial of Prostitution Claims
   
• Gingrich Won't Leave Race Unless It Shows Signs of Cancer or MS
   
• Convenience Clinic Closed for Being Too Convenient
   
• Rush Limbaugh's Former Soul Asks What Took Advertisers So Long
   
• Santorum Vows to Throw up During Presidential Oath If Elected
   
• Sock-in-Mouth Cure Rated Top Choice for Silencing Wealthy Campaign Donors
   
• Woman Having Good Hair Day Makes Unscheduled Trip to Shopping Mall
   
• Congressional Republicans Introduce Bill to End Handouts to Lazy Squirrels
   
• Romney Would Team with McDonald's to Offer Health-Care McVouchers for Poor
   
• Newt Gingrich Presented with 'Lifetime Poopy Award' by Uggie the Dog
   
• Paula Deen Launches 'I'm Your Chef on the Make, Not Your Friend, Honey!' Tour
   
• New Callista Gingrich Doll Has Hair That Moves; Newt Orders Several
   
• Jesus Lets Republican Presidential Candidates' Prayers Go into Voicemail
   
• Obama Confirms He Was Tripping When Signing Indefinite Detention into Law
   
• Voters Trust Cantor After '60 Minutes' Shows Him Being Nice to His Family
   
• French Men Go into Mourning over Possible Mass Breast Implant Removal
   
• Gingrich Unveils His Child-Labor 'Sweep for Cheap' Economic Plan
   
• Michele Bachmann Says God Now Speaking to Her in Pig Latin
   
• Records Show 'Cain Train' Made Frequent Stops at the Petticoat Junction
   
• Michele Bachmann Proposes Renaming Thanksgiving 'Turkeys for Jesus Day'
   
• Contradictory Scientific Findings More Exasperating Than Once Thought
   
• Herman Cain Heads to Appalachian Trail for Solace and a Few Job Interviews
   
• Kim Kardashian Pre-Donates Next Wedding's Gifts to Charity
   
• Rick Perry Saves Money on Executioner Halloween Costume by Dressing As Himself
   
• Eighty-One Percent of Americans Favor Border Fence around Michele Bachmann
   
• Pope Boycotts 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' after Sarandon's 'Nazi' Remark
   
• Bachmann Pledges to Bust Lullaby League and Lollipop Guild If President
   
• Children Ask Why God Took Steve Jobs When Rick Perry, et al. Are 'Scary'
   
• Telecomm Execs Overheard Admitting Your Call Is Not Important to Them
   
• Obama Signs Five-Year Super-Saver DirecTV Deal for White House
   
• 'Metta World Peace' Changes Dog's Name to 'Betta Bow Wow'
   
• Michele Bachmann Tips over in Debate As Brain Proves Too Small for Big Hair
   
• Philosophers Ask, 'If No One at a Labor Day Picnic Is Employed, Does the Picnic Exist?'
   
• Anderson Cooper Says New CBS Talk Show Is Safer Place for His Hot Bod
   
• Back-to-School Ads Successfully Take All Fun out of Remaining Summer Break
   
• Rick Perry Breaks Will of Democrats by Sounding Eerily Like George W. Bush
   
• Chief Justice John Roberts Holds Kegger in Anticipation of Obamacare Case
   
• Tim Pawlenty Polls Below Stale Muffin
   
• Standard & Poor's Upgrades Catwoman Despite Anne Hathaway Casting
   
• Congressional Leaders in Disagreement over Design of Super Congress Capes
   
• White House Pooch 'Bo' Will Handle Future Negotiations with Republicans
   
• Martin Scorsese to Film Remake of 'Raging Bull' with Nancy Grace
   
• President Obama Partially Removes Democratic Disguise by Mistake
   
• 'Abilify' Even More Effective When Used with New 'OneMority'
   
• Rupert Murdoch Hacked into Own Voicemail to 'Feel the Outrage'
   
• Progressive Insurance Offices Look Nothing Like Ones in Television Ads
   
• Amy Winehouse Cancels 'Stagger onto the Stage Late and Pickled 2011' Tour
   
• Congressmen Now Required to Complete Training on 'Resignation Etiquette for Sex Scandals'
   
• $400 Hair-Makeup-Nails on Michele Bachmann Not the Same As Edwards Haircut
   
• Research on Humans Shows Future Promise for Lab Rats
   
• Anthony Weiner Legally Changes Last Name to 'NothingToLookAtHere'
   
• Newt Gingrich and Tiffany Unveil 'Poverty Bauble' for the Little People
   
• Believers Delay Returning Ascension Kits to 'Raptures R Us'
   
• Strauss-Kahn Hints He May Be 'Crazed Sex French Poodle'
   
• Osama bin Laden Was 'Going to Disney World!' Just before Navy Seal Raid
   
• CNN's Spitzer Provides Invaluable Client #9 Expertise to Strauss-Kahn Case
   
• Call Intensifies for Orly Taitz to Release Her Long-Form EEG
   
• Sleep Researchers Hail Extra Hour Off for Controllers As 'Groundbreaking'
   
• 'Complete Idiot's Guide' Staff Mourns Loss of Inspirational Glenn Beck Show
   
• Qaddafi's Latest Lament to His People: 'I Used to Be So Hot!'
   
• Lindsay Lohan Testing People's Patience for Psychology Degree
   
• Newt Gingrich, Completely Repulsive to Women, Now Free to Love Only America
   
• Automakers on Track to Reach 100 Percent Recall Goal
   
• Sneak Preview of Gwyneth Paltrow's New Album, 'Please Don't Hate Me'
   
• 'Jeopardy!'s Watson Joins Cast of 'One And A Half Men And A Computer'
   
• Charlie Sheen Returns to Mars, Receives Frickin' Rock Star Welcome Home
   
• Electric Cars Soon Able to Use Lady Gaga As Recharge Station
   
• Christina Aguilera Attempts to Sing Fewer Notes, More Correct Words
   
• Mubarak Says in September He's Eligible for Full Absolute-Ruler Pension
   
• George Clooney Questioned As Malaria Hits Gorgeous Italian Model Community
   
• Republicans Promise Kinder, Gentler Heckling During State of the Union Address
   
• John McCain's Place in Hell Confirmed for Unleashing Sarah Palin
   
• Winter Robins Seriously Rethink Stay-Put Strategy
   
• Meg Ryan, the Quicker Picker Upper of Mellencamp, Is Celebrity Bounty Towel
   
• Incoming Republican Congress Promises 'Cruella Deville' Theme for 2011
   
• Tiger Woods Planning to Remarry So Affairs Can Inspire Golf Wins
   
• Kanye West Assails WikiLeaks for Abusing Him with Neglect
   
• Fliers Line up for One-Way Trips to Mars to Avoid TSA Screenings
   
• Michele Bachmann Featured on 'Intervention' for Addiction to Crazy Pills
   
• President Obama Donates Spine to Science
   
• Boehner Says Voter Message Is Loud and Clear: 'Make Me Your Bitch!'
   
• November to Be Named White Male Hegemony Month
   
• Rand Paul to Launch New 'Aqua Buddha' Aftershave
   
• Christine O'Donnell Surreptitiously Witch-Tested in Swimming Pool, Floats
   
• Spitzer Admits Controlling Media Makes It Difficult to Control Sexual Urges
   
• Glass-Half-Empty Theory Revamped in Light of Room-for-Ice Theory
   
• Woman Drops Tithing to Eight Percent until God Answers Lottery Prayer
   
• Anti-Desire Senate Candidate O'Donnell Unveils 'Roadmap to Frustration'
   
• Florida Quran Burners Say Scarcity of Beatles Records Left Them No Choice
   
• Hamsters Increase Vitamin D Intake as New School Year Eats into Cuddle Time
   
• Miss Universe Answers Questions Regarding Theory of Expanding Universe
   
• Back-to-School Child Model Admits Her Smiles Are Fake
   
• 'Brio' Voted 'Most Over-Used Clever Word' by Merriam-Webster
   
• Cell Phone Users Endure Host of Indignities at the Movie Theater
   
• New Idol Judges: Katy Perry, Steve Perry, Steven Tyler, Tyler Perry
   
• Man Sees Edited Version of His Life Flash Before Eyes, Sues Universe
   
• Texas May Switch to Determining Guilt of Prisoners Before Executions
   
• Inmates No One's Ever Heard of Thrilled for Lohan over Care Packages
   
• Christian Men's Fashion Show High in Polyester
   
• Excess July 4th Fireworks Will Last Well into November, Promise U.S. Teens
   
• Gore's Crazed Sex Poodle Admits He Too Needs to Lose a Good Fifty Pounds
   
• Cialis Easily Beats Out 'Extreme Makeover' for Miraculous Home Renovations
   
• German Potato Salad Promises Not to Invade Summer Picnics
   
• Fiorina Says Catty Boxer Hair Remark Shows 'I'm a Serious Candidate'
   
• U. N. Sanctions North Korea for Torturing Dissidents with 'Sex and the City 2'
   
• BP Presumptive Winner of 'So You Think You Can Pollute the Entire Gulf Region for Decades to Come?'
   
• Iowa Man Pledges Leisurely Drive Through Lower 48 States
   
• Woody Allen and Roman Polanski Open Shelter for Underage Runaway Girls
   
• Miss America and Miss USA Pageants Transform Talent Portion into Nude Fest
   
• Optimists Easily Incorporate Gulf Tar Balls into Romantic Strolls on Beach
   
• Rekers Says Conversion of Gay Luggage Handler Coming Along Nicely
   
• Car and Driver Names Heidi Montag 'Safest Passenger' for Front-End Airbags
   
• Arizona Governor Promises to Come Down Just As Hard on Illegal Space Aliens
   
• Gulf Fish Now Comes Pre-Oiled for the Skillet
   
• Women Barred from Earth Day Celebrations for Causing Earthquakes
   
• Scientists Who Name Volcanoes and Glaciers Promise to Do Better Next Time
   
• Sales of Anti-Anxiety Drugs Skyrocket at Mention of Palin-Bachmann Ticket
   
• Callers Who Threaten Lawmakers Are Crying Out for a Better Vocabulary
   
• Tiger Woods Sends Thank-You Cocktail Hostess to Jesse James
   
• Congress Passes Second, Itty-Bitty Health Care Reform for Republicans Only
   
• Couples Multitask by Honing Bad Parenting Skills in Fine Restaurants
   
• Researchers Promise Not to Reveal Medical Advances Until Kinks Worked Out
   
• Female Vying for 'Fattest Woman' Also Honored for Other Pointless Endeavors
   
• Michele Bachmann Hears from Terri Schiavo in the Beyond: Kill Health Reform!
   
• Woman Named Denise Turned Down for Jihad Duty for Refusing 'J' Nickname
   
• The New York Times Explains Its New and Improved Rules of Grammar
   
• American Al Qaeda Zealot Adam Gadahn Gets Absolutely Nowhere on Match.com
   
• Americans Divided over Eliminating Saturday Delivery of Someone Else's Mail
   
• Space Shuttle Launch Delays Caused By Fighting over Window Seats
   
• From Toyota: Obesity Still Kills More Americans Than We Do
   
• Tiger Woods Is Unfriended 3,000 Times Without Being on Facebook
   
• Man with 23 Items in Express Lane Challenges Our Notions of 'Express'
   
• Olympic Figure Skaters Turn Gaydar to 'Vibrate' While Competing
   
• Police Assure Public That Tasers Are Just An Ironic Spin on 'Peace Officer'
   
• Photoshop Guarantees Incredible 100% Success in Reducing Unwanted Belly Fat
   
• Congressional Cleaning Woman Sweeps Democrats into One Neat Dust Pile
   
• Supermodels Recalled for Self-Obsessing Defect
   
• Transportation Secretary Misspoke About Misspeaking About Recalled Toyotas
   
• There Are Two Americas: Elizabeth Edwards Sends John to the Other One
   
• Blondes Do Have More Fun, If By 'Fun' You Mean Shallow Entertainment
   
• Letterman Enjoys More Affairs While NBC Creates Leno-O'Brien Diversion
   
• Bin Laden Age-Progression Photos Fail to Consider Tattoos, Skin Care
   
• All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Workaholic, New Study Finds
   
• Tiger Woods Commences Affair with Self After Seeing Hot 'Vanity Fair' Cover
   
• Dick Cheney Blasts Pacifier Babies for Being Soft on Terror
   
• Republicans Open 2010 Congress with Resolution to Rename Great Depression
   
• Department of Homeland Security Issues X-Ray Glasses Once Sold in Comic Books
   
• Woman Who Knocked Down Pope Already in Training for Next Year
   
• Someone's Getting Only Lumps of Coal in His Christmas Golf Bag This Year
   
• Senator Lieberman on Track to Be Grinch Who Steals Health Reform
   
• Babies Resist Would-Be Candy Taker, Despite Popular Cliché
   
• Dead Is the New Tired
   
• Nervous Investors Bite Nails, Startle Easily
   
• Trophy Wife Wannabes Now Offered Tiger Woods Red-Flag Training Course
   
• Free Anti-Empathy Booster As Popular As Ever, Reports U.S. Dept. of Health
   
• Tiger Woods Claims He Was Just Practicing Obama Gate Crashing
   
• Nobel-Winning Economist Paul Krugman Slays Opposition with Deadly 'Um'
   
• Help! Mom! Lesbians Are Taking over Comedy Television!
   
• C Streeters Hire Sarah Palin to Be Their Cute and Cuddly Mascot
   
• Donald Trump Names Carrie Prejean Default Winner of 'The Nude Apprentice'
   
• Spitzer Gives Ethics Speech at Harvard, Keeps Laughing over Sheer Irony
   
• Some Tea Baggers Caught Steeping, Not Protesting
   
• Millions of Americans Face Terrifying Prospect of Receiving Medical Care
   
• Insipid Health Advice Named 'Greatest Column Filler' of 2009
   
• Karzai's Opponent Withdrew from Runoff Because Headwear Not 'Karzai Cool'
   
• Man with No Pet Peeves Annoys the Hell out of Everyone
   
• Passive-Passive Woman Meekly Complains at Area Mall, Gets Nowhere
   
• Dubya Speaks at Get Motivated! Seminar, Motivates Audience to Get Out!
   
• Obama to Visit Medical Marijuana States, Will Bring Toll House Cookies
   
• Balloon Family's Reality Show: 'Jerk Parents and Balloons Plus Jail Time'
   
• U. S. House Rebukes John Boehner for 'Totally Prehistoric' Ringtones
   
• NASA Salad Spinner Launches Gerbil into Earth's Orbit
   
• Al Franken Wins Honorary Nobel for Being Able to Draw U.S. Map from Memory
   
• Polanski Asks Judge to Send in a Couple of Girls While He Awaits Ruling
   
• Anti-Suffragist Ann Coulter Promises to Stay Home and Shut Up
   
• Retiree in Madras Shorts, Black Socks, Oxfords Asks What You're Staring At
   
• Ahmadinejad Also Denies the Existence of Ringo Starr, and Other Stuff
   
• G8 Summit Opens Auditions for Cheerleading Squad
   
• Illinois Woman Finds Unwatched Tapes of Guiding Light, Postpones Suicide
   
• Obama Was Never Born! He's a Commie/Fascist/Whatever Hologram!!
   
• American Express on the Hook for $3.5 Billion Charged to 'Current Resident'
   
• Serena Williams Rams Tennis Racket Down Throat of Anger Management Coach
   
• Stray Cat Goes on Ankle-Nuzzling Rampage
   
• Woman Runs Out of Wall Space for Decorative Plates
   
• First Lady Michelle Obama Reveals Too Much Personality
   
• Creepy Whiter-Teeth Web Ads Win 'Most Aesthetically Challenged' Award
   
• Tom DeLay First Honed Moves on 'Dancing with Saipanese Sweatshop Labor'
   
• Barney Frank to Caucus on Health-Care Reform with Dining-Room Tables
   
• Last Daisy Petal Obama Picked Was 'I Love the Public Option'
   
• Oprah and Dr. Oz's Secret No-Sex Video Posted on YouTube
   
• Indecisive Teen Rockers Thank Sarah Palin for 'Death Panels' Band Name
   
• 60 Minutes Stopwatch Arrested at Cock Fight in New Jersey Garage
   
• Ninety-Four Year Old to Wed His Great-Great Step-Granddaughter, Due in November
   
• Three Remaining GM Auto Workers Will Assemble 'At Least' One Car Per Week
   
• Congress to Initiate Bucks for Birthers Program
   
• Republican Health-Care Reform Alternative Features Low-Cost Funerals
   
• For White House Visit with Prof. Gates, Sgt. Crowley Sets Taser to 'Tickle'
   
• Mice Created from Non-Embryonic Stem Cells Are Displaying Serious Attitude
   
• Unmarked Squad Cars Repainted from Nondescript Brown to Fashion Taupe
   
• Eliot Spitzer's Friends Happy to See Him Dating Prostitutes Again
   
• Homeland Security Alert System Revamped with 'Sesame Street' Characters
   
• Biden Promises to Be Quiet If He Can Rule a Small Island-Nation
   
• August Promises It Will Be the 'Best Month Ever'
   
• Woman on a Mission to Make Pundits Switch to Sewing Metaphors
   
• Ruth Madoff Really, Really Hopes You'll Pay Full Price for Her New Memoir
   
• Governor Sanford Spotted on Appalachian Trail with Jennifer Aniston
   
• Jailed Producer Phil Spector Forms Prison Singing Sensation, The Con-ettes
   
• Barack Obama Is the Lizard King. He Can Do Anything.
   
• God Says 'Enough Already' with Humans Who Forgive Total Weasels
   
• Apology Form Letter Drafted for Congressional Philanderers/Philanderesses
   
• Chastity Bono Seeks Expedited Sex Change to Wed Ex-Miss California
   
• Obstetricians Switched at Birth!
   
• Rush Limbaugh Cleans His Fridge, Finds His Brain
   
• FDA Warning on 100-Calorie Snacks: Multiply Number of Snacks Eaten by 100
   
• 'Jon & Kate Plus a Variable Number of Dalliances' Spinoff on Tap
   
• Jon Voight Admits to Being Kim Jong-il's Stand-in with Zoolander Wig
   
• CNN Touch Screen Files Sexual Harassment Lawsuit
   
• Judge Judy Makes Obama's 'Obnoxious List' for Supreme Court Appointment
   
• Germans Despair of Fitting Celebration Messages atop Average-Size Cakes
   
• Cut-off Photos on Google News Shot by Rain Man
   
• Color Blind Election Map of Republican States an Attractive Apple Green
   
• Kiefer Sutherland's Lawyer Offers Rutting Defense for Head Butting
   
• Citigroup Collapses During Stress Test
   
• Dieters Encouraged by Raft of Salmonella-Laced Salad Ingredients
   
• Elizabeth Edwards Reveals the Full Story of John and the Vomit Incident
   
• Now-Democrat Specter Rethinking Whole Anita Hill Thing and More
   
• Madonna Sets New Adoption Sights on Caucasian Kansas Boy 'Timmy'
   
• Recent Bullet Deflection Gives Underwire Bras a New Upside
   
• First Dog Bo Grants Interview with Press Before Walkies
   
• Geithner to Unveil Next Bailout Plan with Dance of the Seven Veils
   
• Simon Cowell In Therapy to Deal with Actually Liking Idol Adam Lambert
   
• Norm Coleman Adds Minnesota Senate Recount Appeals to His Will
   
• Ex GM CEO Wagoner to Pen New Book: 'How to Stretch Twenty Measly Million'
   
• French Workers Take More Execs Hostage, Demand Cradle-to-Grave Crème Brûlée
   
• Oprah Writes Fake Memoir Then Rakes Self over Coals
   
• Obamas Open Starbucks Next to White House Garden and Swing Set
   
• Suze Orman's Investment Book for Menopausal Gals: The Courage to Be Crabby
   
• AIG Will Attract and Retain Best Chimps to Improve Operations
   
• Gwyneth Paltrow's Expensive Tears Bottled to Save World Economy
   
• Rocket Scientists, Brain Surgeons Meet to Discover New Hardest Job Description
   
• Nadya Suleman Founds New Country with Her Fourteen Children and Is Now a Royal Pain
   
• Glenn Beck Predicts Own Nervous Breakdown If God Agrees to Appear on Show
   
• Study Investigates Why Interesting Things Happen to Boring People
   

As Seen In Postcards From the Pug Bus

• President Obama Nominates Paris Hilton As Ambassador to Saks Fifth Avenue
   
• Experts Disagree on the Value of Agreeing to Disagree
   
• Rod Blagojevich's Bad Hair Leads to New Vetting Rules
   
• Classic Christmas Tune to Be Renamed 'Rudolph the Compact Florescent-Nosed Reindeer'
   
• Undead Unhappy With Stereotypes In Twilight Film
   
• Wolf Blitzer Announces His Engagement to 'The Best Political Team on Television'
   
• Federal Government Distributes Thinking Caps to Undecided Voters
   
• Laura Bush Releases Album of Hits As Sizzling As That Slutty Carla Bruni's
   
• John McCain Having 'My Friends' Over for Dinner Next Tuesday
   
• Bush Orders Retirement Savings Mattress For Every American  Finalist in HumorFeed's Fourth Annual Satire News Awards
   
• Britney Spears Will Donate Recent Weight Loss to Anorexia Clinics
   
• National Enquirer Uncovers Torrid Affair Between Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac
   

As Seen In CAP News

• John Edwards and Rielle Hunter Reunite to Record Holiday CD
   
• Men Are Really From Pluto, Not Mars As Previously Thought
   
• White House Press Corps Takes Shorthand Classes In Preparation For Obama
   
• CBS News Revamps 'Reality Check' to New and Improved 'Reality Chick'
   
• Merriam-Webster Publishes 'Politician-Edition' Dictionary With All New Definitions
   
• Palin Doll Sent to Factory for Retooling After Veep Debate
   
• Amy Winehouse Discovers Dead Sea Scroll In Beehive
   

As Seen In The Specious Report

• Every Eleven Seconds a Teenager Dies of, Like, Total Embarrassment
   
• Nature Did Not Connect the Funny Bone to the Satire Bone
   
• Jetson's Astro the Dog Wins Big On Celebrity Jeopardy
   
• Hundreds of Talking Jesus Dolls Recalled for Saying Naughty Things
   
• CNN's T-Shirt Emporium Takes Over News Division
   
• Oprah Takes Registrations for Classroom in the Heavenly Afterlife
   
• Emperors Club VIP Will Host Open House to Fill Spitzer Gap
   
• Everyone Has Now Made a Surprise Visit to Iraq
   
• Panel Warns of Bushism Toxicity for Leap Year 2008
   
• Senate Tops House 'Christmas Resolution' with 'New Year's Resolution'
   
• Mars Named 'Official Location' of Bush Presidential Library
   
• Dr. Phil Sends Ann Coulter To Her Room Without Supper
   
• Democrats Unveil Their 'Contract of Wimpiness'
   
• Britney Spears Offers to Sell Next Child to Jennifer Aniston
   
• Dick Cheney Will Appear On This Old House To Build Undisclosed Location
   

As Seen In DeadBrain U.S.

• Barack Obama Legally Changes Name to 'Barry Manilow'
   
• Presumptive House Speaker Pelosi Agrees to Switch Designers
   
• Joe Lieberman Launches 'Pouty Tantrum' Campaign '06 Bus Tour
   
• Scientists Work Feverishly To Restore Spines Of Congressional Democrats
   
• Ann Coulter Rides Off into the Sunset on Herself
   
• Study Finds Most Americans Not Deserving of Health Care
   
• Condoleezza Rice Performs Surprise Piano Concert at Guantanamo
   
• Presidential Terrier Barney Resigns White House Post
   
• President Bush Enrolls in Home Schooling; First Lady to Teach
   

© Kate Heidel