Man Sees Edited Version of His Life Flash Before Eyes, Sues Universe

Claims entire fifth grade and first marriage missing from near-death experience.

 63-YEAR-OLD heart-attack survivor from Topeka, Kansas, is suing the Universe for breach of contract for what his lawsuit claims "are significant gaps in the spectacular near-death review of what should include every single second of a person's life."

James "Buck" Logan, who survived a heart attack and therefore lived to recount his near-death experience, says he "feels cheated by the Universe" for leaving "pretty important" material out of his life flashback.

"I saw my last day of summer after completing the fourth grade," recounted Mr. Logan, "but then it suddenly just skipped right to the first day of school in the sixth grade. Do they think I'm not going to notice? I loved my fifth-grade teacher, Miss Belke. And here I don't get to see her. I cry 'foul.'"

Mr. Logan's attorneys are already steeling themselves for any counter claims the Universe may pursue, such as defamation of character, or even dismissal due to bad karma.

"We've worked on Universe cases before," said Jack Pritchard, Mr. Logan's chief attorney. "It is really big into 'What goes around, comes around.' But we believe that everyone, no matter who, deserves and has been led to expect the whole-life flashback. No exceptions, and no deletions."

In addition to the missing fifth-grade material, Mr. Logan claims that his entire first marriage was missing from his near-death flashback.

"Not that I'm crazy about reliving those eight years with Joyce, but we had a couple of really nice vacations in Florida," said Mr. Logan. "Like that time she hitched a ride with a dolphin, and another dolphin came up from behind and bit her right on the butt. I wouldn't mind a rerun of that."

Mr. Logan, a big fan of the Judge Judy show, was hoping his complaint could be aired in Judge Sheindlin's televised courtroom, but producers of the show declined, saying that the case "does not fit into the category we are currently attempting to fill, namely, 'Have you been wrongfully evicted?'"

However, the producers did say they would keep Mr. Logan in mind when seeking to fill slots for "Have you been cheated by a friend, relative, or cosmic event?"