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AVE YOU EVER found
yourself thinking, "Why, The Wizard of Oz is just chock full of
dialog that applies to nearly every aspect of one's life, isn't it?"
or, "Gosh, this tiresome chore of dusting seems so utterly pointless,
doesn't it?"
If you have found yourself thinking these thoughts, stop it,
because I thought of them first. What's more, I've written very
amusing essays about them and other fascinating topics. I
understand that "essay" is derived from the French verb "essayer,"
meaning "to try." I further understand that bandying a French word
here and there does not qualify me as bilingual, although it does
increase my chances of being taken more seriously.
But, wait! My goal is not to be taken more seriously, rather it is
to leave you in pools, or "les piscines," of hilarity. If that's
taking it a bit far, perhaps a moist sponge, as it were, of mainly
pleasant sensations.
See what you think. And feel free to write,

but only if you have something nice to say. Here's an example of a
nice thing to say:
"Dear Ms. Heidel: I am the Senior Editor of
<<hip/expensive/snotty>> Magazine, and I can't stop
laughing over your hilarious essays! I'm dying here!! We at
<<hip/expensive/snotty>> Magazine would love nothing more
than to publish at least one, if not all, of your hilarious essays on
fascinating topics!! Naturally we will pay you gobs of money, so quit
that day job toute de suite, as the French would say!!! Yours
sincerely . . ."
Essays
- Advice from Your Cyber Bunny of the Month
- The Apprentice: D.C.
- Ask My Doctor
- Bee-less in Minnesota: A May-October Romance
- Blonde on Non-Blonde
- Braised in Captivity: Questions for
The Martha
- The Changing of the Purse
- Children Should Be Seen, But Not Here
- Clinical Trials
- Coffee with Jane
- Couch Voyeur
- Don't Gimme No Lip
- Don't Judge Judy
- Driving Tips for Amateurs
- Dusting Our Entropy or: Why Bother?
- Dwindling News Coverage
- Eight Things Men Don't Want You
to Know They Don't Know
- Evident Merit
- Famous Hair
- Fashion Missteps
- Gentlemen, Start Your Growls
- The Good, the Bad, and Dr. Phil
- Holiday Relief, By George
- How to Fail Without Really Succeeding
- How to Get Appendicitis
- I Call the Wind Mariah
- I'd Really Love to, But . . .
- If You Only Knew
- I'm Sure You'll Agree
- Job-Winning Answers to Those
Illegal Interview Questions
- Make a Joyful Noise unto a
Different Address
- Martha's Home, But Not Quite Alone
- More Q & A
- My Current Life List
- The Nerd Man Cometh
- No Nudes Is Good News
- The Oasis of Rapport
- Please Wait for Me
- Remedial Training for Today's Librarians
- Run, Toto, Run!! If You Know What I Mean
- The Spitting Image
- Starting Therapy
- Subwoofers or: The Carousel to Hell
- The Summer's Hottest Antidepressants
You Can't Laugh Without!
- Take My Bus . . . Please
- Take the Pledge
- Walking Through Walls: Two of Your
Favorite Stars Reveal Their Secret!
- Weather Disturbances
- What I Don't Know for Sure, But
Highly Suspect
- The World Is Your Living Room, Baby Face
- Writers Guidelines
- 2007 Holiday Special
- 2009 Holiday Special
My columns for the award-winning Happy Woman Magazine
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