HIS YEAR'S Holiday extravaganza is hosted by singer and rapper Kanye West, who promptly scratches the festive introduction to announce his 2011 "Resentment" Tour, not featuring Taylor Swift or George W. Bush.
Kanye's sexy Christmas Elves, the lovely Pissye and Poutye, will wear out their sparkly four-inch stiletto boots running after guests to grab their microphones and claim indignities, while Kanye tries and fails to rap something believable about peace and goodwill.
Very reluctantly, Kanye introduces none other than Sandra Bullock, looking quite lovely in her bright red mini dress and faux-fur trim, skating in with adopted baby Louis and her Holiday Attorneys.
Accompanied in song by the Jesse James Slutty Tatooettes, Sandra regales us with a medley of holiday favorites, including "Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Alimony Lane)"; Mel Torme's beloved "The Christmas Song" (a.k.a. "Jess Nuts Roasting on An Open Fire"); and the all-time favorite, "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing! (Someone's Ass Is in A Sling)."
Needing no introduction, and not waiting for one anyway, feisty Sarah Palin roars in on her Holiday Hummer in hip boots and fully loaded hunting rifle. Sarah promptly blasts our Christmas Caribou right between the antlers, then pulls out a giant Holiday Halibut from her Christmas sack and whacks it to death to the festive rhythms of "Heigh Ho the Holly(but)."
Yes, it's a hot mess, but a BP oil slick comes to the rescue for an ultra-quick set change. Before you can say "Jolly Old Saint Nick," the Don't Ask Don't Tell Men's Choir rolls in decked to the halls and serenades a pre-offended Kanye, who dashes offstage with his girls to recharge ye olde manhoode.
In a rare display of good will, our Three Kings of Late Night hoist Rolling Stone Keith Richards out on his Holiday Gurney to perform Christmas classics while simultaneously dying and resurrecting a few times, confusing Christmas and Easter as only Keith can.
Not to be outdone by mere re-animation, down from the rafters floats a celestial Lada Gaga, our resplendent angel in holiday meats, which run the gamut from lacy prosciutto wings to grass-fed Hallelujah cutlets.
Now we're hungry! Conan, Jay, and David sing carols while stoking our finale bonfire with guest witch Christine O'Donnell and a few hundred thousand WikiLeaked documents. Julian Assange runs out from stage left to cry foul, but when offered a seat next to Lady Gaga, soon forgets his beef and joins in the general merriment until his ankle bracelet alerts the authorities.
Our fabulous holiday special was supposed to end in a blaze of song, but John Boehner crashes the party and cries like a baby until Pissye and Poutye promise him some jumbo marshmallows and permanent tax cuts for all except that slacker, Tiny Tim.
Happy Holidays, everyone!!
© 2010 Kate Heidel