Holiday Special 2017

Make merry with us, or at least do your best to pretend!

photo credit: x-ray delta one

ADIES AND gentlemen, welcome!! How is it we have come around to another year’s end?! Especially this year’s, as it seemed to take, oh, I don’t know, an eternity! Just sit back and relax as you take a break from begging Congress for your life, because we’ve got quite a show in store for you!

Without further adieu, please welcome to our stage a very special "first" guest, First Lady Melania Trump! Resplendent in white from head to toe, Melania will be standing stock still, kind of like a wedding-cake bride, as she surveys our Holiday Ballerinas dancing just for her! This is not awkward at all!! However, we know how thrilled you'll be to find a video clip of the performance online! But be sure to watch soon, ladies and gentlemen, because a mischievous Christmas elf named "Ajit" has whispered in our ear that telecom companies might get a bit grinchy about your viewing preferences in the new year! ;-)

And who is this jolly pilgrim making his way onto our stage?? Why it's our next special guest, Vice President Mike Pence! Isn't it amazing how the VP's expression never changes? It's almost like he isn't real! Who said Halloween was our only spooky holiday?!

First Lady Melania is swiftly led away by her private ballerinas so that our Veep won't find himself on stage with a woman who is not his wife. Perhaps this is a charming new holiday tradition! You saw it here first, ladies and gentlemen!!

Veep Pence eagerly leads our Syncopated Sycophants in a rousing medley of all-new holiday tunes—debuting on our stage—such as, "I’ll Be Trump’s Bitch for Christmas," "Mikey the Brown-Nosed VP," and "I Saw Pencey Kissing Trump’s White Ass (underneath the Mistletoe Last Night)." Now would be a good time to locate the holiday barf bags our little elves have taped to the underside of your seats, ladies and gentlemen! No thanks necessary—it's our gift to you!!

Who hears bells?? Oh my goodness, if it isn’t Santa himself, riding in on his sleigh, right onto our stage, ladies and gentlemen! But wait—Santa doesn’t fly a gold-plated sleigh filled to the brim with money bags! Oh no, it’s Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell, ladies and gentlemen, they’ve crashed our stage! These fellows are so extremely naughty that we’re no longer a family show!!

Mitch and Paul are wasting no time running into the audience, grabbing everything that isn’t nailed down! We’re feeling quite guilty, ladies and gentlemen, since we told you to sit back and relax! Apparently that is no longer helpful advice for the holidays, or indeed any day, when these two are on the loose!!

Luckily, many our quick-thinking audience members are offering up their holiday barf bags, which Paul and Mitch think are filled with cold hard cash! They do sort of look like filled-up money bags, don’t they?? Note to self for any future plunderings, ladies and gentlemen!

The pair of holiday grinches careen off our stage as quickly as they arrived. They’ve left nothing behind but the stage lights, which we’ll call a Holiday Miracle, considering Puerto Rico!

At least we’ll have a full year to bring back the holiday spirit to our stage, ladies and gentlemen! Until then, although we harbor serious doubts about the feasibility of the following send-off, we wish you a fabulous holiday season and an even better new year!!