What a line-up!
photo credit: drpavloff
ELCOME TO OUR fabulous Holiday Special for 2013, Ladies and Gentlemen! Our hostess for the evening is the lovely and somewhat talented Miley Cyrus!!
Before Miley introduces our first guest by, you guessed it, bending over while sticking her tongue out farther than most doctors recommend, we have a naughty confession to make. Having Miley as our lovely hostess for the entire show kills two holiday birds with one stone:
1. Our crew is on strike to protest the majority of our guest line-up, so if something should go hilariously wrong with the sets or lighting, Miley is ready at a moment's notice to twerk you into complete distraction!
2. Featuring someone on our show who can't stop herself (Tourette’s anyone?) gives us a waiver from providing our audience with handicap-accessible toilets during the broadcast! We'd call that a "Miracle on 78th Street," because that's the street we're on!
Miley starts us off with a rousing medley of holiday tunes while simultaneously twerking like a fiendish elf and sticking her tongue out so far it snaps back like a roll of sticky wallpaper! How does she do that?? (Please locate the holiday barf bag under your seat, and you're welcome!)
You know, this is reminding us of a glorious Holiday Special Past, when the Rolling Stones debuted their famous giant tongue on this very stage in 1972. Thanks for inspiring such fond holiday memories, Miley!
And now, with no further ado, all the way from Mother Russia, please welcome Edward Snowden, followed very closely by a merry band of NSA Singers!!
Edward begins with, what else? "Let it Snow," as the frolicking NSA singers roam among our audience, placing festive Hollybugs and Tinseltaps in strategic locations.
Oh, dear, Edward doesn't like what he sees! Here he comes, replacing all those techie decorations with red and green copies of the U.S. Constitution, each tied with a silver bow and a gift tag signed with Glenn Greenwald's direct phone number in Brazil!
With a poof of smoke, Edward Snowden disappears, leaving the NSA Singers all alone to regale us with their festive rendition of, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, and Therefore Will Need to Read Her E-mails to Protect National Security." We're feeling safer already!!
And speaking of Holiday Mashups, what would our 2013 Special be without a surprise appearance by North Korea's Kim Jong-un and his new BFF, Dennis Rodman?!
Dennis is so happy to be on our stage with his bestie from a closed nation that his mascara is running before he's even introduced. Don't cry, Dennis!!
Kim comes to the rescue by encouraging one of his political prisoners to dry Dennis's tears with his bread ration, and before you know it, the quirky duet breaks into "Silver Bells," backed by the Kim Jong-un Re-education Choir of HappyHappy Bell Ringers.
Several choir members drop from "jet lag" mid-song, but here comes Miley to twerk like a Naughty Elf Hopped up on Red Bull until the stage is cleared!
And not a moment too soon, because who is that riding in on a buttercream sleigh but our next special guest, Paula Deen!!
Brandishing a wooden spoon in one hand and her emergency insulin in the other, our Lady of the Sugar Cookies gets right to work stirring five sticks of butter into eight quarts of cream while singing her down-home, country rendition of the classic, "I'm (Constantly) Dreamin' of a White Christmas, Y'all."
Proving once and for all that her hair really is made of cotton candy, Paula pulls out a wad and shows our audience how it "melts right in ma mouth!" Oh, you are a card, Paula!! But before we end up with a bald country cook, Miley gets her Holiday Hook, sticks out her tongue, because that's what she does, and gently but firmly drags our Diabetic Diva off stage left.
Oh, Good Lord, ladies and gentlemen, do you see what we see?? Yes you do! It's His Eminence, Pope Francis!! And is that Baby Jesus in his arms?? Well, not quite, but it is the next best thing: Kate and William's Baby George!!
Miley has her "twerk" cut out for her, because all of the Catholics in our audience rush the stage, followed by all of the TMZ fans. Only three people are left seated, and they're feeling cheated because they were hoping we had sent them through a time warp to view baby George Harrison of the future Beatles! Tough break, you three, but maybe next Holiday Special!!
What a great show, everyone! Unfortunately, Miley's tongue was stampeded by the faithful, but we know it will heal to wag again, because, just like Pope Francis, we believe in Holiday Miracles!!
A Happy New Year to one and all!!
© 12.17.13 Kate Heidel