N THE 1960s and 70s, television viewers came to expect at each year's end a holiday variety special from the likes of Andy Williams or the Osmond Family. We'd like to bring back that holiday tradition, but realize that today's televised festivities may require a little updating to entertain the modern viewer. So, with no further adieu, may we present our:
Holiday Special 2007
Your host is none other than Conan O'Brien, whose sidekick, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, tells a few hilarious holiday jokes about bodily emissions, and then wanders through the studio audience appalling people until station break.
Performing first is singing sensation Beyoncé, who, bedecked in gold lamé from her décolletage to about halfway down her holiday derrière, regales the studio audience with her medley of seasonal hits such as, "Freakum Santa," "Dangerously in Hock," and the ever-popular "Get me Good King Wenceslas." She is accompanied by her own Holiday Pole Dancers, sizzling in silver lamé and white go-go boots, in a nod to Mod Christmases past.
Not to be outdone, Britney Spears descends perilously down a glittering holiday staircase in five-inch Santa Stilettos, accompanied on all sides by "spotter" elves. To pass muster as a Britney spotter elf, each little person had first to meet the requirement of, as the casting call put it, "being able to repeatedly lift up to 150 pounds of dead weight at a moment's notice." Britney tumbles through "Winter Wonderland," winging the lyrics a bit. Her producers will sue the dead songwriters to change "In the meadow we can build a snow man" to Britney's superior "In the hey-hey, bay-bay, hey-hey, snow bay."
And who is that roaring down the chimney at 150 m.p.h. in his supercharged Mini-Cooper sleigh? Why, it's Matt Damon as Santa Ultimatum! Never mind not crying or pouting, just get the hell out of Santa's way! Remember, Santa Ultimatum suffers from an identity crisis, so he may have to crush your skull instead of leaving toys and goodies under the tree! Oops! Santa's just plowed through your tree AND the side of the house! Dude!!
Group "Silent Night" Finale Singalong
As snow gently falls, and several stars try to snort it, Stevie Wonder floats in playing a white-and-glitter grand piano, barely missing a few stand-alone rap artists. The Holiday Police Dancers pirouette in to restore order, but not before Snoop Dogg gets off a round or two. No one is hurt, thankfully, because every voice is needed to fake the lyrics of verses two and three.
And because the producers thought of everything, little-people understudies are made up and ready to go should any of the actual stars wander off into drug rehab.
Happy Holidays, everyone!!
© 2007 Kate Heidel