Subwoofers, or, The Carousel to Hell

EAR OWNER of one or more subwoofers,

It has come to my attention that you may have grown dissatisfied with the mere bass unit as the best means of transmitting the lower regions of musical frequencies. If that strikes you as a partially naughty thing I just said, please drag your perverted mind out of the gutter.

I say "may have" because I know none of you personally, although I do know your whereabouts, at least within approximately one-half a mile when your subwoofer mode is set to "ON."

Furthermore, I have reached the only conclusion possible under the circumstances and given the overwhelming body of evidence (you own one or more subwoofers): Hell, which is too good for you, is your inevitable destination. In light of this alarming state of affairs, I have a few suggestions I thought might assist you in your pursuit of avoiding Hell—again, currently your only possible fate, and one which is too good for you.

Because soaking your brain in repetitive, throbbing noise appears to be at the heart of all you do, all you live for, my first suggestion is to substitute this activity with something else just as primal. Any item on Maslow's hierarchy of needs will do, just so we can get you off the subwoofer Carousel to Hell. For instance, the next time you have an urge to turn on the subwoofer, eat a sandwich. Better yet, eat a hamburger; eat five Big Macs, or five Whoppers with cheese. Doesn't that sound delicious? Who needs deafening pulsations when you can scarf down multiple juicy beef bombs for mere pennies on your woofer dollar? Feel the carousel slow enough for you to jump to safety. Or possibly roll to safety.

Let me digress for just a moment to remind you not to become discouraged. Old habits die hard, and it may be six months to a year before your new ways take over. Don't give up on the whoppers just because the woofers are tempting you with their ritualistic, tribal rhythms. Think of how beef, too, is so ancient, so elementally carnal. It's all-natural, yet leads you nowhere near the Carousel to Hell. Your mantra should be a carnivorous one, such as, "Beef. It's what's for dinner. Beef. It's what's for dinner." And so on.

Once you've conquered the subwoofer as your sound track to life, you can turn your attention to more stimulating modes of entertainment. Bungee jumping immediately comes to mind, because it, too, calls up primal emotions, such as fear of falling and being smashed into bloody bits of pulp on very hard, pointy rocks. What's so great is that you will never, ever have to worry about this happening to you. Occasionally it does happen to some other schlub, who would have said, had they not been smashed into bloody bits of pulp on very hard, pointy rocks, "I never thought this could happen to me." This is a gift to you from the heavens, which strive to bring you something hilarious to laugh and laugh about for hours at a time as you sit with your friends eating lots of juicy beef.

So, now that you've succeeded in substituting your noxious habit for a tasty one, and embarking on a new and exciting hobby, what's left? We are not quite through, for the Carousel to Hell beckons tirelessly, and we must always be on our guard not to slip back to our old ways lest we find ourselves whirling headlong into the fiery pits of perdition.

As the saying goes, there's no zealot like the recent convert. That's you! And that's why the last phase of your "conversion" is to get out there and preach, as it were. Your lofty goal is no less than to remove evil from the world, one subwoofer at a time. How you embark on this adventure is up to you, but I do humbly propose the following:

Gather together everyone you know and stage a demonstration. It's so tried and true, so all-American. Proudly march shoulder-to-shoulder to advance your righteous cause. Slogans like "Subwoofers are for Sub Humans" and "Subwoofers Lead Straight to Hell" are bound to draw enthusiastic comments from curious onlookers. Don't forget to yell your slogans into megaphones for the sight- or alphabet-impaired.

Civil disobedience is also a traditional, powerful engine of change. Suffragettes used to throw rocks into store windows—you can rip subwoofers from dashboards and change the world! There might be just a little resistance to this method in the form of your being challenged by the unenlightened subwoofer owner, or of occasionally being escorted to prison after an energetic tussle with a burly policeman. But remember two things: Your cause is irreproachable. And, should you get a bee in your bonnet to go on a hunger strike, forced feeding is no longer allowed in most prisons.

But isn't anything better than the Carousel to Hell? Of course it is.