REN'T THERE just so many reasons not to go on that date, ladies? He's not your type—in fact, whose type would he be on this particular planet? He's too old (but he's never too young, like we had to mention it). He's just what your mother ordered. He whistles when he could hum, and he hums when he could shut up.
Since there is simply no excuse for wasting an evening on the man of your nightmares, grab a drinkie poo, kick up your feet, and arm yourself with Happy Woman's sure-fire arsenal of date detonators!
Aren't people on t.v. completely obnoxious these days? Don't you just want to yell and yell at them? Although your instinct is to turn them all off and storm out of the room, if you'd like to convincingly sound like you may be coming down with pneumonia for Mr. Wrong, we suggest leaving the tube on for a good hour or two and just letting rip your inner Yellzilla. Every channel offers inspiration! There's Wolf Blitzer on CNN, all those trashy reality shows, and weather people, whom you can always count on to be so nattily dressed and so utterly wrong.
If you don't sound just like Louis Armstrong on the phone as you cancel your date for the evening, you weren't really listening to what people are saying these days on television; you were admiring their tattoos and piercings, or weather people's glitzy radar and expensive threads. Maybe you'll follow directions more carefully next time.
There's bound to be something you're allergic to lurking right in your own pantry. Engage that childlike curiosity we've heard so many good things about, and dig dig dig. Peanut butter is a good start.
If you're not in anaphylactic shock after a spoonful or two, it's time to head to ye olde medicine cabinette. None of those drugs are nearly as expired as the pharmaceutical makers want you to think, so dive into the antibiotics, which are excellent for producing bumpy, plague-like rashes.
We hear it's not advisable to mix drugs, so we're betting that downing a handful with red wine is probably where some of your best hives come from. Plus, if you're lucky, the wine will blacken your tongue and teeth, which will add nicely to that death-warmed-over effect should Mr. Wrong want to check in on you. And about mixing the pills, don't worry—most of them are probably expired by now.
There are better ways to get your thermometer to read 102° than by running it under hot water. Because ladies, this one is for when you want the option to cancel at the very last second. The date at your door needs to be confident that you are truly feverish, and not just some big lying fake. Which is why placing a hot towel on your forehead right before answering the door isn't good enough. He may want to help you to bed before he leaves, and by then you'll be cool as a cucumber, and with egg on your face. Unless you're comfortable being the grocery store of metaphors, let's get down to business.
Is it starve a cold and feed a fever? Or feed a cold and starve a fever? We have no idea. Whichever it is, if you are lucky enough to already have a fever, go ahead and do one of the above and let us know so we can use it next time this subject rolls around. Our relationship shouldn't be just all take and no give, you know.
But we do know that dehydration plus vigorous exercise does wonders in the fever department. Within 24 hours, your world should be reeling. "Where is the bedroom?" he will ask, and you'll point all over the place. Try to remember to ask for water before he leaves, because you are in tough shape. We want to be sure that honesty was the best policy.
© 2010 Kate Heidel
