O WOMAN likes to find herself at a loss for words at life's hallmark events—it's so unfeminine! Remember, WE are the social hub around which humanity revolves. In light of this crushing yet somehow delightful responsibility, Happy Woman has devised a fool-proof set of just-right sentiments for those awkward moments when you find yourself struggling to say the perfect thing. Struggle no more!
for BRIDE:
Don't let people tell you you can't wear white the second time around—but after this I'd go with ecru.
You're as lovely as a new bride who maybe just waited fifteen, twenty years to tie the knot!
Wow, you look fabulous! Isn't it amazing what you can do with a body shaper, botox, hair extensions, vein-stripping, dermabrasion and a dab of lip gloss?
I just love how you keep bouncing back again and again! Oops, and again!
for GROOM:
I'm sure your lovely new bride will find in you what the first one simply couldn't, no matter how hard that poor, broken-down creature tried.
Like you, the Mayans believed a shiny new hairpiece meant good luck in marriage!
I so admire how you never give up looking for a gal who does not do interventions.
Congratulations! Here's my card, if, well, you know.
for BOTH:
You two are the poster couple for blending a comical number of children from previous marriages, sinking hopelessly into hock for an extravagant wedding that will likely go south, and saying, "Screw the odds, drink a toast to the Muellers!" I just love that!!
Even though I know you're marriage will be wildly successful, let me just get lots of pictures of you today while you're still looking so nonviolent!
They say that second marriages are less likely to succeed than the first, but I just know you've run a vigorous statistical analysis that proves you have a fighting chance to beat the overwhelming odds!
NAUGHTY ED: Remember that heavenly wings contain no erogenous zones, so Ed couldn't get into trouble if he tried.
BIG BERTHA: Every girl is a sleek Cameron Diaz in the eyes of the Lord.
EVIL SUBWOOFERS: Since God hates subwoofers as much as we do, John's eternal rest will be truly restful.
ICECREAM-LESS AFTERLIFE: I know that Bill loved Rocky Road, and that clouds look like whipped cream, but there are some things we simply are not meant to understand.
Optional Donation Add Ons
ORGAN: Of course, Bob was always a giving person. Why, I'll bet he'd be the first to say, "You know what? Who needs a liver in heaven?"
VEHICLE: I gave Jack my solemn promise that if God forbid anything should happen to him, I would love his Lexus as my own.
AIR CONDITIONER: In heaven, where dear Jane is now, the weather's always fine. I can almost hear her saying, "I sure wish someone on Earth would donate my 12,000 B.T.U. Frigidaire to a person who could really use one. It has four comfort settings, and is probably still under warranty, which would be in my top left drawer." That is so Jane.
AMWAY SNEAK: With all that extra closet space, have you ever considered the fabulous Amway product line?
These condolences need to be delivered with a little extra sympathy, seeing how pets often mean much more to people than people, no matter what Barbra Streisand says!
DOG: Yes, darling Digger knows that in Heaven's backyard there is no invisible fencing.
CAT: Be assured that Mitten is coughing up only 100% angel hair for the Lord.
BIRD: Your precious Chirpy is now pecking joyfully on heaven's premium suet.
RODENT: Why, I can just see Pickles now, frolicking in God's glorious Laboratory of Behavioral Studies.
TARANTULA: You'll always have Charlotte's exoskeleton as a frighteningly accurate memento.
SNAKE: God will not permit Petula to swallow little bunnies in heaven, but I'm sure she's O.K. with that.
LIZARD: Larry's gift of independent eye movements will allow him to see all of heaven's luminaries without budging from his eternal stick.
AMWAY SNEAK: Now that you don't have darling [pet name] to clean up after, have you thought of selling Amway in your spare time? It practically sells itself, you know.
© 2009 Kate Heidel
