My Current Life List

ARRY PAUL McCARTNEY. It's a great time to followup with Sir Paul, seeing that he's finally divorced from that Heather Mills moocher. He doesn't know this, but I would have borne his children, and I don't even like kids. Over the years I've worked out some nifty harmonies to various Beatles hits; they would be a great ice breaker on our first date! We'll work out a fair yet generous pre-nup, and live happily ever after.

2. Finish my play about family discord and how I, as a five-year-old, expressed my angst by repeatedly stabbing our yellow kitchen chair cushions with #2 pencils. The stabbing scenes are already written; I just need to fill in the rest and cast a five-year-old, VERY cute girl to do the stabbings. Also, I have several fine working titles: "Anger Pencil" is good, or, "Step Away From the Pencil!" More cryptic but no less gripping is, "(Kitchen) Chairs of Pain."

3. Become mistress of the BB gun. In so doing, I could deal a death blow to the burgeoning crow population in my backyard AND disable the subwoofer in the trunk of my neighbor's Pontiac. This list item is actually two in one, isn't it, so you're getting a freebie.

4. Return to France, and this time don't let them interrupt me and finish my sentences in English. I'm there to learn! You have to be firm with them in a nice way, and just say, in French, "No-no! Not the English still! I would like to continue this delightful conversation in French, if it pleases you." Toward the end of my first visit, I got as far as persuading two people I was speaking with to switch back to French. But then they stopped including me. They just chattered away with that French insouciance you've heard so much about. It really exists!

5. Even if I don't connect with Paul, I could certainly finish the song I started, which features this impeccable internal rhyme:

O, where are you, Paul?
Are you blue?

Etcetera, but I'm not going to just give the whole thing away! One more verse, and it's a megahit.

6. Try to like children more. People are forever saying that they don't care much for babies, that it's great once the kid can start talking. I feel just the opposite. Babies can be downright adorable, as long as they're not wailing or projectile vomiting. But young children. My God, all those questions: "Why is the sky blue?" "What does God look like?" "Why are you making that funny face at me again—don't you like me??" "Can we watch that insipid Henry Potter dvd yet one more time?" "Why are you walking away from me—what did I say??" Honestly, I don't know how some people stand it. But I'll give it a go.

7. Write a book. There is SO much to write about! I just have to settle on a topic. But because I'm blessed with a multitude of interests, luckily I can write about anything from economics to politics to The Beatles to psychology to French history. It's all out there! Just waiting for me to get started. This item will also provide me with the opportunity to learn how to be a more dedicated researcher. My current time limit per research session is 15 minutes. It's so tiring! But if I'm going to write about economics, say, I'll have to stretch myself. Maybe I could start with The Beatles, because I have most of their records, and there's a lot of information on the back.

8. Run for a local office, like councilwoman. I could do a better job than the dingdongs we've got in there now, any day of the week. I wrote to one of them about my neighbor's subwoofer, and did she get back to me? She did not. I thought all politics was local, or personal, or whatever it is. Anyway, I'll need to come up with a catchy slogan. Something like, "A Vote for Kate is a Vote to Annihilate—Subwoofers!" Or "Vote for Kate: She Returns Calls Within 24 Hours—Not Like Those Dingdongs!" And I do, too, if you're not certain people I won't mention here.

9. I was going to say "Conquer my fear of public speaking," but running for office would probably cover this one, what with all the debating and the t.v. and radio appearances. Besides, list items #3 and #7 each gave you a two-in-one, so you're still getting a lot of list for your trouble.

10. Learn another language besides French. I hear Italian is pretty easy, because you just pronounce all the letters. German is good too, since I'm of German heritage. Basically all you do is run a bunch of small German words together to form the more complex vocabulary. So, for example, "umbrella" would be a combination of words like "floating water shield" or "bat wings on a stick." I'm pretty sure either of those would score you an umbrella from a German person.