Old friends and new!
photo credit: Sister72
REETINGS TO YOU all, and welcome to another fabulous Holiday Special! Although no one could host a holiday gathering quite like the late Andy Williams, we are thrilled to bring you none other than . . . Hologram Andy Williams!! That's right! If Tupac can do it, so can the King of NBC Specials Past!!
We thought Andy looked his spiffiest around 1965, so here he is, singing "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" in the most populated sweater of the year! We think it's breaking a doo-dad record of some sort!!
"Andy" is surrounded by our lovely Hologram Dancers, made in China under perfectly humane working conditions. If you don't believe us, you can read our hologram contract!
Oh, look! Here's someone else who never really goes away: Donald Trump, riding in on his gold-plated sleigh, looking kind of grumpy if you ask us! But that's because he is Grumpy! Sorry, Donald, wrong special!! You must be looking for Snow White Celebrates Christmas, on Stage 4C! With a magical swoop of our Holiday Hook, The Donald is history! Our first Holiday Miracle!!
Not a moment too soon, because here come a couple of fellas smiling and waving from their Holiday Campaign Lear Jet. Why it's Jolly Old St. Mitt and his trusty elf Paul!
Not looking at all like a pair of losers, St. Mitt and his buddy with the baggy slacks break into a medley of some of our favorite Holiday tunes, such as "Deck the Halls (with $100 Million Contributions)," "Here We Come A-wassailing (Among the One Percent)," "We Wish You a Merry Christmas (in the Cayman's This Year)," and of course, "Hark! How the Bells, (Juanita Please Answer the Door)."
Unfortunately, Old St. Mitt is tone deaf and Elf Paul was just pretending to sing for a photo-op, so we think it's time for that Holiday Hook once again! Bye-bye boys!!
Hologram Andy is getting a little fuzzy . . . Andy, are you there? Ah, here he is, but now he's trying to introduce the "Lennon Sisters." What's a Lennon Sister?? Never mind! What Hologram Andy really wants to say is, "Please welcome none other than the King of 'Gangnam Style,' PSY!!"
Our favorite South Korean is galloping in on, well, nothing, but boy does he know how to put a spin on our Holiday favorites! We still can't understand a word he's saying, but we just know it has something to do with Christmas trees, elves, holly, bells, family gatherings, and apparently getting very naughty in an elevator! We'll check with a translator after the show to see if he snuck in any insults about our Western Holiday traditions!!
As PSY gallops off stage right, rolling in from stage left on a giant Holiday Pepsi can is our most dazzling guest of the evening, Beyoncé!!
Bearing gifts of Pulse perfume by Beyoncé, lingerie by Beyoncé, and wearing a sexy Beyoncé creation made entirely of Pepsi pop-can lids, our talented brand launches into a sizzling dance routine that would have made even Muammar Gaddafi blush! Wait a minute: our producer tells us this was the exact routine Beyoncé performed for the late tyrant, and he did blush! What an honor to know Beyoncé is giving our audience the best that Muammar can buy!!
That's about all we have, folks! Let's bring some families on stage with our special guests to gather 'round Hologram Andy as he sings us out with "Happy Holidays."
Andy gets stuck on "let the merry bells keep ringingkeep ringingkeep ringing . . ." but Beyoncé gives him a little bump with her Pepsidazzled derrière and all is well! Happy Holidays, everyone!!
© 12.19.12 Kate Heidel