Are You Woman Enough to Pass This Quiz?

... Robert McGinnis
photo credit: x-ray delta one

N A WORLD filled to the brim with quizzes on every imaginable topic, we at Happy Woman continue our dedication to bringing readers only the highest quality in quiz material. Yes, you may look elsewhere for questions that gauge your aptitude in celebrity gossip or the best treatment for migraines (strawberry daiquiris, natch!)—but only here will you discover, in your responses to just seven essential questions, how much Woman you truly are. We guarantee you'll be amazed at the results!

How Much Woman Are You, Truly?

1. You have multiple obligations on your plate today, such as hosting a Mary Kay party, and driving the kids to their piano lessons, religion classes, and lacrosse semi-finals. How do you juggle it all?

a. I complete each of these rewarding activities with a smile on my face, whilst humming the "I'm a Woman" song. Not the Helen Reddy hit. Rather, the one about how I can bring home the bacon and then fry it up in a pan. Cause I'm a woman. W-O-M-A-N. That one.
b. I jump on the couch, put my feet up, and take a long lazy swig of my old pal, Johnnie Walker.
c. Using my "anytime" cell-phone minutes, I speed-dial my therapist and have a nervous breakdown free of charge. The savings goes straight into our family holiday fund!
d. I network with my stay-at-home girlfriends, and expertly offload all but the Mary Kay party, which isn't really a Mary Kay party, if you catch my drift. Hotcha.

2. Your husband seems to be spending a lot of time lately on one of those online sex-chat rooms. What do you do?

a. I lose ten pounds, spend thousands of dollars at the spa and hair salon, and parade my sexy new self in front of the computer. He won't know what hit him!
b. I crawl under the couch, curl up in a fetal position, and stick a straw in my old buddy, Jim Beam.
c. Using our hybrid car, I follow my husband to the bank and run him over in the parking lot. His deposit and the money I saved on gas goes straight into my legal defense fund!
d. I network our two computers together and expertly offload all his sick, perverted e-mails directly to the FBI.

3. If you could choose just one of these lipstick shades to add to your collection, which would it be?

a. In the Pink!
b. Dung Beetle Taupe
c. Classic Red—but no animal testing!
d. Revenge is Periwinkle

4. Which of the following famous blondes would you love to trade places with?

a. Scarlett Johansson
b. Courtney Love, and make it a double
c. President Hillary Clinton
d. Divorce-Court Barbie

5. Complete the following sentence: When I'm down, I take a

a. lovely walk with my children until I remember how lucky I am!
b. nice cold beer out of the fridge and pour it over your head.
c. double dose of my all-natural anti-depressants!
d. salad fork to my ex's Mercedes leather seats.

6. What would be your favorite activity for a girls night out?

a. Dinner and a chick flick!
b. It's always Ladies Night chez moi, honey, drinks on the house.
c. A group workout at the gym!
d. Roller Dead-Husband Derby.

7. If you could go anywhere on a dream vacation, where would it be?

a. On a totally romantic ocean cruise with my hubby! (Sorry, kids!)
b. See #1 b or #2 b. Now make like a drum and beat it.
c. Hiking in the Himalayas!—because then I can't tell if it's mountain sickness or anxiety attacks gripping at my heart like a steel glove.
d. One of those tropical islands that doesn't allow extradition.

Now, tally your answers and use the grading system below. Good luck!

Mostly a's:

"A" is for "Ace"! and "A" like the letter grade, meaning better than B, C, or D! And "Atta girl!" What "A" woman!!

Mostly b's:

You poor thing! We suggest writing to Dr. Phil. Just think! You might get some free therapy AND maybe even meet Dr. Phil's wife, Robin! Who would've passed our quiz like a champ, unlike yourself!

Mostly c's:

Oops! We admire your spunk and environmentally savvy purchases, but that pinch of anger mixed with one cup frazzled nerves doesn't make a health drink, OR a recipe for WOMAN!

Mostly d's:

Some gal's holding a bit of a grudge! This makes you a scowler, not a looker. We suggest retaking our quiz only after you've swallowed your LAST bitter pill!