Don't Gimme No Lip

ERE MUST BE THE working theory in the cosmetic enhancement industry: because some youthful women possess naturally full lips, injecting collagen into an older woman's lips will, by making her lips fuller, make her look younger as well.

Somehow, I suspect this theory has not been fully tested via the rigors of the scientific method, whereby an experimental group of female scientists undergoes collagen injections and a control group of female scientists does not. Then a group of male scientists—who have been told they are participating in a study on the influence of solar panels on male bonding—is instructed to point and laugh at the females who look the silliest.

While we await the complete findings, I have a few unscientific but careful observations of my own to contribute. I've compiled just a partial list of reasons why I believe famous women should not get collagen injected into their lips:

  1. You look like everyone else who got it done, and they all look like characters from The Simpsons.

    But they and you are only halfway there. If your goal is to achieve "Full Simpson," may we recommend that you add jaundice to your injection regimen to attain your very own Simpson-yellow pall.
  2. You're not fooling anyone.

    What do we look like, morons? For years and years we've stared at women's magazine covers with Meg Ryan's face plastered on them. "Meg Ryan Leaves As the World Turns." "Meg Ryan is Happening In Hollywood!" "Meg Ryan Shares Her Secrets for A Successful Marriage." Oh, there's Meg's pretty, thick hair; there's Meg's sparkly blue eyes; there's that cute, not-too-perfect nose; there's her, um, kind of puffy, slightly Simpson-y mouth that has always reminded me, I guess, of Faye Dunaway's mouth, and Loretta Swit's mouth, and Melanie Griffith's mouth, and . . .
  3. Are you nuts? It's a needle! Headed right for your lip!
  4. You're going to have to do it again.

    Oh my God, as if one long needle plunged into your lip wasn't enough. Haven't you seen any horror movies, or ones about those crazy Nazis?—who are forever walking slowly toward the camera with needles in their sadistic Nazi hands, while really scared people strapped in chairs are screaming bloody murder, because the writers know that's what normal people expecting a needle in their face would do, for crying out loud?! Do we have to spell it out for you?!
  5. Only Michelle Pfeiffer ever looked that way to begin with.

    So it's okay if she has it done, because she'll keep looking like Michelle Pfeiffer. But the rest of you look pretty ridiculous. In fact your lips put me in mind of badly stuffed pillows, or damaged marshmallows. When they're not reminding me of all the Simpson's characters.
  6. Just pray that you can have your old lips back.

    If this collagen junk wears off, let it. Then remember, this what you pay your PR people for, to make your dumb mistakes look charming in retrospect. Look at Hugh Grant, for Pete's sake. Just go on the Tonight Show and shrug your Versace shoulders in disbelief at your own pitiful judgment. Appeal to the audience for forgiveness. Then, like a true star, like Elizabeth Taylor, never look back.
  7. You'll be on VH1, even if you changed course.

    You might never look back, but we live for it, so get used to an MTV-style video of your blown-up-to-200-percent-before-and-after lips in every possible film stock accompanied by some song like If Looks Could Kill. Gracefully accept that this video will be featured in the top ten of VH1's 50 Most Whack Face Jobs.
  8. Think of the children.

    I'm not quite sure why, but everyone's always saying so. If you come up with something when you're done, get back to me.