OMEN ARE always pegged as the mysterious ones, whose utterances need a skilled translator to decode. Well, we think it's men who speak in riddles, and we can almost see you nodding in agreement!
How many of us have puzzled over declaratives such as, "I have to go to Home Depot for some pan-head screws and filler strip." Is that some kind of sick joke? If he leaves for "Home Depot" is he ever coming back?? Or, one evening, just when you're thinking he's in the mood, he blurts out, "Honey, I think I've identified the gene that triggers migraines, in mice, anyway." Should you deftly switch out of your nightie and into a lab coat? Or does he just want to scamper up and down your back and nibble on your earlobes?
Until now, we were hard-pressed to offer our readers a reliable response. But in our tireless efforts to get to the bottom of all things male, we've just perfected our patented new Male Translation Technology (It's a secret!). Below you'll find a representative sampling of real sentences spoken by the men in our lives, followed by our nifty, foolproof translations. Are you thinking you won't find a sentence you recognize? Banish the thought! Remember: men are only cryptic, not original!
"Honey, have you seen my Needle-nose pliers?"
This, like the Home Depot sentence earlier alluded to, is a cry for reassurance. He wants to know, "Am I still the man of the house, or have you emasculated me to the point where I might just as well skip down the street in your high heels?" Under no circumstances are you to reveal any knowledge of what Needle-nose pliers are or ever could be. You can't even spell them. We only did so we could write it down for you. Now we've completely forgotten and couldn't repeat ourselves if our life depended on it.
Say something reassuring like, "Well, I don't know, but I have some lovely sewing needles. Would that do?" Don't forget to giggle, you vixen.
"Monday night's game night with the guys."
It's enough to run a chill down your spine, isn't it ladies! But our translator has clarified its deeper meaning, and what your man really means to say is,
"I just love Cheetos with beer, don't you? The game's just an excuse to eat Cheetos and drink beer for three or four hours. But if I did that at home, you'd yell at me."
So next Monday night, surprise that big lug of yours with a 12-pack of brew and a few pounds of Cheetos. While he throws it down in front of the tube, you'll be jogging 15 miles on the treadmill so that yelling is not an option. Together again!
"If your centrifugal chiller utilizes a hermetic motor and the motor suffers a burn-out, the downtime is counted in months vs. mere days utilizing an open motor."
Oh, my! For those of you hitched to an engineer or other smart fella, this one's tricky. Our translator produced two categories of meaning, best summarized by these examples:
1. "I, a brilliant engineer/doctor/scientist, meant just exactly what I said. So someone needs to bone up on the subject, or I'll be justified in having a torrid affair with a beautiful female engineer/doctor/scientist in order to feel fully appreciated."
2. "Since you married me just for my money, I think I'm entitled to gas on now and then, so there."
What can we say, ladies?! Hit the books, or get a fabulous lawyer!
"I really think that [name of any sports figure] needs to take it to the next level."
If we've heard it once, we've heard it a thousand times! What next level? What was the previous level? Do you reach the next level by stairs, or can you take the elevator? Is this where we get the term "on the level"? Can you fall off the level? Will it hurt? Do you have to start back at the first level or do you get credit for where you left off?
Agonize no further, ladies! Translated correctly, your man is actually saying,
"I really think that I am a complete lunkhead."
All you need to do is agree and kiss him on the forehead. He'll melt like butter in a hot skillet.
"Uh, I dunno."
You'll remember this one as a familiar reply to such classic questions as, "What would you like to do tonight?" "What are you feeling?" and "Where did you put the can opener?" Its generic nature implies untold depths!
Our HW translator produced more than a dozen possible choices, but these are the ones we thought most useful:
1. "I'm not too good at relating to women, so when you ask me a question that requires thought or introspection, I'm going to blurt out something pretty stupid and generic. But that doesn't mean we can't have sex again, right?"
2. "I have a better question: when will you be ready for more sex?"
And our personal favorite:
3. "There's nothing I'd rather do tonight than tell you how I feel about everything, darling. I'll meet you at midnight in the back seat of our expensive new car, which, after you've flown my private jet, you'll find parked in front of our brand new beach house overlooking the French Riviera."
Oops, sorry, that last one was produced by our patented new Wishful Thinking Technology. But it's still our favorite!
© 2008 Kate Heidel