More Q & A

OU ARE JUST bubbling over with questions, I can tell. And since posting my FAQ a few years ago, I've been inundated with e-mail from my vast readership to please, please do another Q & A. Therefore, I've chosen the most scintillating questions against which to pit my brain power, and you are the beneficiary. Send money now.

Q. What would you do about the thorny issue of immigration reform?

A. It seems to me that most of the problem centers around the illegal immigrants. A good first start would be to ask every person whom you suspect of being illegal whether in fact they are. Ask this question in English. If they respond in Spanish, I'd be immediately suspicious. If you don't speak Spanish, you will not understand them. You will not even be sure that it is Spanish you are hearing. It could be any one of the 30 or so other languages spoken around the world. But that's hardly your concern. The important thing is, every time you run across an individual who replies to your question in not-English, note the date, time, and general location of your interaction. Once you've accumulated, say, 15 or 20 of these meetings, enter your local police precinct and provide the friendly person at the front desk with the information you've documented. You will likely receive a nice parting gift, like a flag pin, or a free business card with the precinct's address, phone number, and e-mail address. Sometimes the card has a little drawing of the precinct building. Dark blue is preferred, and embossed is way cool.

Q. Why is the theme song to the 1964 film Alfie so existential in content?

A. This mysterious song, with lyrics like "When did I stop feeling sure, feeling safe?" and "What's in back of the sky?" is believed to have been penned by the 60s rock sensation-turned-terrorist-trio The Evildoers. Diabolically appearing in Holiday Inns around the U.S., The Evildoers, known to their unsuspecting fans as Ramone, Johann, and Pickles, continue to perform this old hit with lyrics that no sensible, non-evil audience would ever imagine being anything more than a vehicle for a catchy tune. Thus are we forever humming or singing along, which is exactly what Ramone and friends want us to do, because then we're lulled into a state of distraction and ripe for conquering, aren't we? So, the next time you hear this 60s staple, start singing aloud something far less controversial, such as "Yummy Yummy Yummy, I've Got Love In My Tummy." By doing so, your brain will reset itself and return to normal, patriotic behaviors such as eating hamburgers and calling in sick to work.

Q. Do you recycle?

A. Of course not. The whole idea is preposterous. Everything we manufacture came from nature some how, some way. Take plastic bags, for example. Everyone knows these and other plastic products come straight from dinosaur remains. What could be more natural than restoring the dinosaur remain that held your chicken tenders back to the earth by placing it in a land fill? So you're not putting it back in exactly the same part of the earth you got it from. Sue me. Nature gives you dinosaurs and flowers; I say, give her plastic bags and batteries. She'll thank you for it, you'll see.

Q. If you could meet any non-living historical figure, who would it be and why?

A. Everyone always picks Jesus, but I think it's worth pointing out that, except for Mel Gibson, no one would be able to understand the guy. He spoke some kind of not-English, and with a Jewish accent to boot, so I'm going to have to pass. In fact, except for a few recently dead Americans or British, I'd have to pass on pretty much everyone.

Q. I think it's assumed that in this imaginary scenario, you and the historical figure would be able to understand each other.

A. That was not a question.

Q. Oh, come on!!

A. Nope. You know the rules.

Q. God! Okay, aren't you aware that in this imaginary scenario you and the historical figure would be able to understand each other??

A. I think you're making a pretty whopping assumption there, my friend. By the way, while Jesus and I are chatting away understanding each other, we'd better not be doing it here in the United States, because that would make him a potential illegal alien. Mr. Jesus of Nazareth doesn't get any special treatment in my world.

Q. Are you completely out of your mind?!

A. I'm rubber (dinosaur), and you're glue (more dinosaurs), etc.

Q. Speaking of dinosaurs, how often should change my oil?

A. What do I look like, the Car-X man?

Q. Okay, I just have to ask: What is in back of the sky?