photo credit: x-ray delta one
S SURELY AS you spike that egg nog, someone from your family tree will appear at the door unannounced over the holidays. If only our birth control were so reliable!
Given this seasonal inevitability, we've thought up some simple holiday games you can play when you run out of ideas for entertaining. Meanwhile, don't fret: December comes but once a yearthat's our Happy Woman guarantee!
Number One Rule: Charades without liquor is Aerobics for Dummies, so first mix up our quick recipe for holiday punch:
In a large punch bowl, pour in one bag of ice, three gallons of lemonade, one liter of club soda, and one gallon of cheap vodka. Stir with broom handle and enjoy!
We recommend preparing your charades cards in advance because our holiday punch makes thinking and writing so completely obnoxious. Now everyone look at your cards and take a nappy.
This is our personal favorite when those unannounced guests at the front door include children under 13. Children over 13 can be treated as shabbily as adults, because they'll interpret it as irony and think you are way cool.
Once everyone has closed their eyes tight, simply follow your Emergency Fire Escape Route, which you might want to rename your Emergency Family Escape Route just for the occasion! And don't forget your wallet, because you'll be enjoying a matinee with popcorn and Raisinettes long after little Cousin Jenny is through counting to fifty!
Remember, you can say anything into your guest's ear, because in the end it will be hilariously unrecognizable from the original! One of our staffers whispered to her Uncle Jim, "Your wife is having an affair with her best friend's husband," but by game's end it had become, "Dr. Zef's working on a cure for our midriff bulges." Wow! Paging Dr. Zef!!
This game is for those of you blessed with patience and fortitude, which is our nicest Happy Woman way of saying "door mat." Eventually you'll light upon the exact phrase that will come out the other end as, "We really wish you would leave, already." Good luck!
The password is "visit." The password is "surprise." The password is "obnoxious." The password is "moocher." The password is "revise." The password is "itinerary." The password is "depart." The password is "joy."
Sometimes you just want to skip the niceties and go straight for the jugular. This game's kind of like "Family Feud," only without the prize money and rules. Don't let the word "lawsuit" even enter your mind. Remember: this is no courthouse, it's your castle! At least it WAS your castle, until it became a frolicking scene of holiday mayhem!!
This is where your guests play t.v. viewers and you play the t.v. show they're watching about a real family. Stress how important it is that you pretend they're not even there, or it won't work.
Whatever religion you were, announce you're a different one. Become very doctrinaire and quote a few verses from your strange new holy book. Bring out unfamiliar religious paraphernalia. Make up a language on the spot and say a prayer in it. Pass literature around. Don't bother with snack trays, this won't take long.
© 2009 Kate Heidel