Holiday Special 2009

You think it can't get better every year, but then it does.

AVID LETTERMAN kicks off this year's variety special by riding in on a horse-drawn sleigh dressed as jolly old St. Nick. Along for the fun is his bevy of Holiday Interns, bearing gifts and a few rolled up, brightly festooned affidavits just in case Dave gets any more frisky ideas.

First in the lineup is a rousing Christmas medley performed by Taylor Swift and Kanye West. Rehearsals for this segment were said to be a little heavy on the Kanye side, but once he was given lots of award statues to play with, Taylor got in at least three consecutive Hallelujahs without interruption. Her sequined mini-dress will be inlaid with hundreds of tiny microphones, allowing Kanye to confiscate all the hand-held mikes he wants without transmission loss.

Not to be outdone by David and his hottie Interns, here comes Eliot Spitzer in his tricked-out Holiday Pimpmobile! Out tumble eight luscious Hanukkah Honeys, no less joyous for having been illegally transported across state lines. Each Honey lights a candle on the menorah, while Eliot plays Naughty Dreidel with Dave's interns and lures them with his story of the Maccabees into his nice warm limo with hot chocolate and brandy.

Rolling in from stage left, a New York City rooftop features America's own Romeo and Juliet, John Edwards and Rielle Hunter! The lovebirds dance cheek to cheek while Dave Matthews performs "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," followed by the premier performance of his original tune, "I Saw Santa Claus Kissing Some Cheap Bottle Blonde Who Doesn't Even Look Like Mommy." Kudos to this year's set designers!

The tear jerker of the evening is surely the appearance of the four remaining members of the Jackson Five. Right in the middle of "I'll Be Home for Christmas," Michael Jackson's hologram descends as if from heaven and moon walks right into the audience. In rehearsal, many of the production staff's children were frightened half to death by Hologram Michael, who was then back-dated to when the singer looked like a human.

A little comedy relief then lightens the mood when the Holiday Tasers zap a few audience members at random. Upon revival by the Holiday Paramedics, those lucky folks learn they've also won an all-expenses-paid trip to Disney World! (After signing their Holiday Litigation Waivers.)

The finale performance of 2009 is none other than golf champ and jolly-holly skirt chaser Tiger Woods, accompanied in song by his delightful Christmas Cocktail Hostesses. Tiger is no longer brought to you by Gillette, Buick, or Accenture, however, he will be wearing Nikes as he chases his singers around the stage holding mistletoe and lots of ready cash. Producers wanted to him to carry holiday condoms to send the right family message, but for Tiger it's just say go and Ho Ho Ho!!