DO BELIEVE women have had just about enough of the following: You are standing by the microwave at work, an unattended female innocently heating her Lean Cuisine, when in stumbles the office nerd, all wet-lipped and eager to share his staggering variety of observations about today's weather. Not one to be cruel, you nod and smile, if a bit wanly, as the microwave clock crawls backwards to zero, to freedom from the four eyes that track your every move with helpless nerd lust. These men are not bad men, but they need help, and you're about to give it to them. Please post the information below on your office bulletin board, or better yet, have it placed online.
!! GUARANTEED SEX !!
The National Institute of Questionnaire Developers invites you to participate in a unique survey, which we hope will promote the general welfare of American males. In short: nerd identification and re-education. We therefore request that you answer the following questions to your best ability. And don't forget to read the helpful information provided at the end of our questionnaire.
We gratefully acknowledge your efforts, and sincerely hope that it results in hours and hours of
!! GUARANTEED SEX !!
What Does It All Mean? an informal interpretation by Velma Barnes, just your Average Female
This is the way I see it. If it felt to you like the female of the questionnaire knows you personally, it may go a long way toward explaining why you haven't had a date since the junior-high prom. You might try a couple of things. First off, start changing your physical appearance, taking cues from what the female thought was "gross" or "disgusting." Think hair stylist, fashion frames, and natural fabrics. If you are an uncompromising sort of nerd fellow, you may want to consider relocating to a nation, such as India, that still performs arranged marriages. Once she says yes, however, there's no turning back for either of you, unless you can withstand public shame and social exclusion. Oh, yes, that's right, you can. Well, the second option is to change your behavior. Many women have become hopelessly drawn to the tortured, silent type, regardless of the man's outward appearance. Instead of bursting out with your usual weather tidbit, just look at the woman of your dreams, and then look beyond her, affecting a tragic, abstracted gaze. Hold that pose for at least three full seconds. Then almost imperceptibly shake your head and, as if crushed but bravely holding up, turn around and walk away. If she doesn't initiate conversation the next time she sees you, I will. You are so deep.
Clinical Interventions for the Diagnosed Nerd, by Dr. Thelma Barnes, Chair of Psychology, Indianapolis Conservatory of Practical Applications (Guaranteed Sex)
A select few of you will now attempt to tear away the debilitating shackles of nerd-dom. Let me first congratulate you on your dedication to this solemn social purpose and encourage you to, metaphorically mind you, pat yourself on the back. If you work hard and persist, I guarantee that you will free yourself from what Sartre referred to as "Les Delusions Des Nerdes" in his seminal work Pourquoi Les Nerdes? (originally entitled Les Nerdes Sont Les Merdes, n'est-ce pas?). Help exists for you, do not despair. Local chapters of IPANA! (I'm Pretty Much A Nerd, Already!), are popping up almost monthly. And because nerds experience terrible sensations of exposure and shame upon self-discovery, listings such as "Walk-in Center" and "Crisis Shelter" offer a discreet cover to facilities designed to address your special concerns.
In the effort to serve the more severely afflicted Clinically Ashamed Nerd, other helping agencies go further under cover as a "Fast Oil Change" or a "Low-cost Tire Rotation." Here I advise calling ahead first. Just ask, "Do I need to bring in my car for this service?" If the answer is a kind-hearted "No, of course you don't, dear," you've found help; if it's "Whaddaya think, you ass%@#^?!" you probably need to bring in your car.
You may well ask why I, Dr. Thelma Barnes, Chair of Psychology at a renowned conservatory, am taking time out of my busy, professional day to consider you, the very bane of women's existence. Don't askunless you're deep. If you're deep, call me at the office or at home, any time, day or night, I don't care. Just call me! I know my love is what you need!!
©2002 Kate Heidel