Justice Roberts: Strip-Search Ruling Is 'Great Incentive' for Weight Loss

"Nothing else seems to be working," says Chief Justice.

N A RARE newspaper interview, Chief Justice John Roberts defended the high court's ruling allowing strip searches for even minor offenses, saying the ruling "is a great incentive for millions of Americans struggling to lose weight."

The Chief Justice was not coy about the first intent of the new law.

"What we really want to know is what's up your patooty, but think how great it would be if you had reached your goal weight by the time you were stripped down to your birthday suit," said Roberts.

Lamenting that "nothing else seems to be working" for overweight Americans, the Chief Justice said he would be pleased "if just one person dropped twenty pounds before dropping their trousers for a speeding ticket."

Roberts went on to encourage overweight Americans "to imagine every morning before you leave the house, 'what would I look like naked down at the police station if I were strip-searched today?' Because now, thanks to me and four other guys with lifetime jobs, that scenario is a definite possibility."

Saying that "any amount of weight loss is something to be proud of," the Chief Justice encouraged Americans to take simple steps "to reach their ideal strip-search weight."

Roberts suggested walking, "as long as you don't jay walk"; biking "with a current license"; and swimming "only during posted hours, unless you don't mind stripping out of a wet bathing suit. In that case, definitely bring your own towel. You really don't know where jailhouse towels have been," cautioned the Chief Justice.

While praising television programs like The Biggest Loser, Mr. Roberts ended his interview by noting that such strenuous weight-loss strategies "aren't for everyone.

"We realized we had something that could work for the average American, who is more likely to get a speeding ticket, and thus a strip search, than they are to hike twenty miles in one day.

"Our ruling has just made every American a potential 'biggest loser,'" said the Chief Justice. "And that, after all, is what I came to the court to do."