G8 We! G8 We! A-R-E! A-R-E! Greaaaaaaaaat LEADERS!!!
RGANIZERS OF the G8 Summit are taking advantage of the full year until its next meeting to audition cheerleaders they hope will "add a little fun and energy to a normally dry, sober gathering."
One spokesman, who agreed to an interview on conditions of anonymity because "I'm not supposed to be doing this," said that a panel similar to those of American Idol or Dancing with the Stars will whittle the contenders down to a group of 25 finalists, who will then "cheer their little butts off" to claim one of the eight coveted positions.
G8 organizers are looking to fill six female and two male cheering positions in time for the next annual summit. "We might drop at least one male cheerleader if Angela Merkel doesn't win the upcoming German election," said the spokesman. "Unless the seven male leaders are holding out on us, we think they'd prefer the female/pom-pom configuration to the other one."
Finding just the right judges also has proved to be "quite the challenge," admitted the spokesman, who asked that he start being addressed as "Mr. G." Those under consideration for the three panelist positions have been narrowed down to former New York Jets quarterback "Broadway" Joe Namath, former NFL player and sportscaster Frank "bosom-magnet" Gifford, and either Dennis Hopper or Paula Abdul.
"Dennis and Paula are each crazy in their own special way, so this is going to be a tough decision," said Mr. G, adding, "You know, we almost had Ellen DeGeneres, but then look who scooped her up. Although Ellen is welcome any time to sit in as our guest lesbian."
Everyone who auditions is expected to come prepared with a set of three completely original cheers "with relevance to the work of the G8 Summit leaders."
Said Mr. G, "Believe me when I say we can tell when you haven't done your homework. We've already turned down many preliminary contestants for cheering about everything from g-strings to V8 juice. And, by the way, cheering 'Gosh, I could've had a G8!' also loses points for originality."
© 9.28.09 Kate Heidel
