NSA Leak Reveals Special Unit Assigned to Decrypt Beauty Pageant Responses

Source thinks future of free world "may be at stake."

6/15/11 Miss USA Preliminaries
photo credit: pageantcast

N ANONYMOUS source inside the secretive National Security Agency has told The Guardian newspaper that a special unit exists solely for the purpose of decrypting the seemingly nonsensical responses of American beauty pageant contestants.

Speaking undercover to Guardian reporter Glenn Greenwald, the source said, "I think it's entirely possible that the future of the free world may be at stake," adding, "it really depends on what those beauty contestants are actually saying behind that dazzling wall of encrypted speech."

The NSA insider went on to confirm that "advanced decryption software" had been developed specifically for the beauty-pageant unit—nicknamed "Miss NSA"—to decipher the "fiendishly complex" code spoken by contestants in response to judges' questions.

Revelations of the NSA special unit came to light shortly after this week's Miss USA pageant, which featured Miss Utah's Marissa Powell giving what many dismissed as an incomprehensible response to a question about working women.

Code breakers at the NSA have made very little headway on Miss Utah's encryption thus far, according to the source. However, despite the frustration and concern Ms. Powell had caused the agency, "we're still giving her high marks for the evening gown competition," he said.

The anonymous source also revealed the process by which the NSA communicates with President Obama on code decryption gleaned from beauty contestants.

"The President has ordered a dedicated phone to be installed by his bedside just for this critical intelligence," the source said. "One never knows what orders he may be forced to issue once we finally make sense of Miss Utah."

The Guardian has requested a response from President Obama, however the White House would not confirm or deny the existence of a pink Princess phone.