American babies should support their country by pooping on anything that remotely sounds like "pacify," dammit.
ORMER VICE President Dick Cheney set his sights on little babies in his latest diatribe against those Americans he feels are "soft as nerf balls on terror."
A visibly riled Mr. Cheney said on Sean Hannity's Fox program, "This country can't afford to waste one second pacifying terrorists, and American babies who sit calmly in their high chairs sucking on pacifiers are sending entirely the wrong message to the babies of Islamic terrorists. They're saying, "Goo goo, gah gah, come and bomb the hell out of my country. What do I care! I'll just sit here on the sidelines, sucking on peace, while you get all madrassa-ed and then pumped up on American porn and blow us all to kingdom come."
Mr. Hannity, a little startled by Cheney's baby pushback, recovered quickly and asked the former Vice President, "Please tell our viewers what you would suggest American babies should do instead of sucking on their stupid pacifiers."
"I suggest they use the weapons they have at their disposal. Projectile vomit all over the Muslim terrorist agenda!" bellowed Cheney. "I suggest they use the power of their diapers to thwart the power of a terrorist's underwear to blow up a passenger plane! You know what a loaded diaper can do to a man?? I've been there, Sean, it can knock you silly. Don't just sit there like a pansy, sucking on your gay-making pacifier! There's a war going on, and in case you haven't noticed, it's never going to end! Get used to it!!"
Cheney's appearance has already prompted the formation of the first chapter of Mothers Against Stupid Pacifiers in Houston, Texas. Mrs. Ronald Barnett, MASP's founder, says her chapter is "working like the dickens" to settle on a motto "that we hope will be used to send a message that our babies are ready to fight terrorists the first cotton-pickin' minute they're born."
"We've got lots of lovely ideas," said Mrs. Barnett. "It will go to a vote of the full chapter, naturally, because we're a democracy here in America. It's not just up to me, is what I'm sayin'. However, I do have a particular fondness for 'Feed the fire against the Muslim Terror with your baby's pacifiers!' It has quite a nice little ring to it, don't you think?"
© 01.11.10 Kate Heidel