Plumped-up host ready with straitjacket for big-and-tall Fox fellas.
ROSY-CHEEKED Glenn Beck announced at today's taping that he would not be himself "if the Lord God Almighty, the King of Hosts, the Supreme Being, answers my prayer and appears across the desk—oh my God!!—here on this humble show before me, his wretched servant. I swear that I will not make it through this broadcast without losing my ever-loving mind!!"
Already visibly shaken, Mr. Beck explained that, since God had just recently conferred with him regarding the miraculous Hudson-river airline landing, "now is a good time to keep that conversation going. Let's keep it going, Lord! WHY are we here? Why are the Democrats in office, oh Heavenly Father, please tell us what mysterious wonders you have planned for America, an America that is veering wildly into Socialism!!"
Mr. Beck then jumped out of his chair and started flailing his arms, while off camera his staff huddled intently over the straitjacket instructions.
"THIS is why God gave me hemorrhoids!!" shouted the Fox-caster, "This is why he gave me hallucinogenic pain medication!! So that I would see with perfect vision what evil the Democrats are committing to destroy our great land!! Oh, Lord, come to my humble desk here at Fox, take control of the mike and finish what you started—what was it, now, we must all be calm? Yes!! We must all be calm!! Calm in our knowledge that the Democrats are trying to KILL us!!!"
Then Mr. Beck appeared to jump up in the air slightly before crashing to the floor and rolling to one side so as to avoid direct pressure on the hemorrhoidal region.
The Fox crew wasted no time in wrapping their crazed host in the straitjacket he had purchased for just such an occasion.
Said one staff member, "I've gotta say this for the guy—Glenn always comes prepared."
© 3.2.09 Kate Heidel
