Biden Promises to Be Quiet If He Can Rule a Small Island-Nation

Quiet about U.S. policy, that is; don't expect miracles.

ICE PRESIDENT Joseph Biden, notorious for verbal gaffes that sometimes reflect embarrassment onto his new boss, has promised total silence on U.S. policy if he is named ruler of any island-nation President Obama chooses for him.

"Mum's the word, everyone!" grinned the Vice President, adding, "Just make me king, and I'm Harpo Marx! For you wet-behind-the-ears types, Harpo was the quiet Marx brother. Although he did like the women—liked to chase them around! Maybe I'll do some woman chasing on my island, ha ha!! Just kidding, dear!"

Some locations under consideration are Tongo, Bougainville, Madagascar, or possibly one of the Cook Islands.

"Just make it hot and humid, the way I like it!" said the Veep. "And then I promise, on my honor, on that cute little head of Sarah Palin, whatever, not to say another word about Israel bombing the hell out of Iran!"

Critics of the proposal point out that Vice President Biden, being just a heartbeat away from the presidency, cannot properly execute his duties in the event of an emergency if he is, as one source put it, "lounging on a hammock drinking piña coladas out of a coconut and ordering people around."

But another source countered that Mr. Biden is "mentally lounging on a hammock and drinking out of a coconut as it is" and would therefore "better serve U.S. interests mouthing off at the natives of Bidenland, rather than getting the United States embroiled with Russia or North Korea."

In preparation for his new leadership role, Mr. Biden is now spray-tanned daily instead of weekly, and is learning the rigors of limbo dancing and dressing like Jimmy Buffet.

"There's a lot more to island couture than you might think!" insisted ruler-designate Biden. "For instance, I've got kinda hairy legs, and I may need to manscape before meeting with my tribal cabinet. Say, that reminds me, whatever happened to those Queer-eye fellas? Have 'em gimme a call, will ya? I'll make 'em part of my administration! Queer Eye for the Ruler Guy!"