Presidential Terrier Barney Resigns White House Post

Resignations Continue to Dog the Bush Administration

ARNEY, THE the Scottish terrier and all-around Good Dog to President Bush, has resigned amid a flurry of rumors that he was no longer able to tolerate the missteps of his master.

"Arf! Arf!!" Barney is quoted as barking as he trotted in a huff through the White House gates and onto the sidewalks of the nation's capital. "Rrrrrroahr! Roahrrrr!!" he added angrily, as reporters ran after the ex-presidential pooch for further comments.

James Van Praagh, mustachioed medium and sometime dog interpreter, gave reporters his transcription of Barney's heated resignation remarks.

"Barney says he had simply reached the end of his leash," said Van Praagh. "He says, 'I'm a canine of a certain breeding and refinement, and to have this irresponsible maniac'—those are Barney's words, not mine—'this irresponsible maniac running around in a flight suit and sputtering incomplete sentences is just humiliating!'"

Continued Van Praagh, "I'm also getting something—does Barney have a grandmother or an aunt who has passed over? I'm getting an 'M' and possibly an 'L'—is it Matilda, or Muffaletta, perhaps, or Molly, or MacMilly?? I really want Barney to know that the bitch is fine and romping through the clouds with Jesus."

The famous medium added, "And she also says Barney should get that left hind leg looked at; it might be more than a simple hang nail."

Just as other, now-tainted associates of President Bush have become non-entities in the administration's memory banks, Barney is now a pooch without a pedigree in the White House. At the popular web page once featuring Barney——all images of him have been removed, replaced with animated images of the President giving the finger. The only Scottish terrier that web-page visitors will see from now on is Miss Beazley, the President's gift to First Lady Laura Bush.

The reticent Miss Beazley, known primarily for nosing through the tulips on the White House lawn, could not be reached for comment. Sources inside the beltway say the female terrier has no intentions of resigning, but wouldn't mind a few more squeeze toys.