Holiday Special 2016, Trump-Putin Edition

Thereís nothing to be afraid of!

...soviet space christmas
photo credit: x-ray delta one

OOD EVENING, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our 2016 Holiday Special!!

This year our crack producers didnít have to lift a finger to find you some fabulous entertainment, because our headliner chose—himself! And a few of his hand-picked friends, whom we just know and trust will be perfect for our show! We have been strongly encouraged to tell you that our guest is extremely handsome, virile, and tremendously popular!

[offstage muttering] What was that? Ah, yes, and he is supremely talented! And did we mention overwhelmingly popular??

Our surprise guest and his staff have exercised complete control, that is, have graciously seen to every little detail of our annual holiday special! Oh, right, thank you sir, our annual Christmas special!! There clearly is no other holiday gathering possible at this time of year than Christmas!!

So, without further delay, here comes Father Christmas himself—or should we say, President-Elect Donald Trump, on his gold-plated sleigh!! And have you ever seen so many young, hot Christmas elves waving and blowing kisses to Santa Trump as he rides by? Rumor has it Santa made an unscheduled appearance in the Elf dressing room before the show to inspect their uniforms for hotness! Tip-top shape, gals!!

But none of these ladies can compete with Santaís favorite hot elf of all time! Thatís right, please say hello to the lovely "Blind Trust" Elf, Ivanka, who—oh my heavens, ladies and gentlemen, appears to be shoving the gorgeous Melania Elf right off the back of Trumpís sleigh! Thank goodness Melania falls directly into the arms of Veep-elect Mike Pence! We hear heíll be handling all kinds of extra responsibilities come January 20th! Practice makes perfect!!

Not far behind Mr. Veep comes a holiday-festooned sleigh bearing† two more, you guessed it, blondes! My, ladies and gentlemen, thereís a† pattern developing! One blonde is smiling rather steadily, as though not even the Grinch himself could make her budge a single facial muscle. Why, itís Counselor to Santa Trump, Kellyanne Conway!! Sheís waving to our audience and singing, "I want a heap of Trump POTUS for Christmas"! You are too clever with words, Kellyanne!!

As for her blonde sleigh-mate, we must admit—considering the detection of braying noises—we thought it might just be a dolled-up ass that had wandered away from the manger scene in Studio 3b! But no, ladies and gentlemen, it is in fact none other than that feisty hell on wheels, Ann Coulter!

The Braying One appears to be in some distress, however! She is leaning forward—is she growing nauseous from her sleigh-mate's, shall we say, slightly less than perfect song stylings?? Why no! As our camera zooms in for a close-up, we can see Ann's head tipping uncontrollably from the sheer number of false eyelash inserts! We think she may have broken some sort of record! Well done!!

Kellyanne whistles for a trusty stagehand to whisk away her struggling sleigh mate, still braying as bravely as ever! Let's give a rousing hand to a real trooper, even if she can't hear or see you!

Just as we were wondering what Santa Trump might have in mind for a finale, we hear a mighty ring of trumpets from uniformed young men . . . but, wait, those aren't holiday uniforms! Why, they're heralding Santa Trump's best buddy, Vladimir Putin, riding triumphant and—shield the children—shirtless on his white steed!!

We could be more thrilled if it were, say, Harry Connick, Jr. riding shirtless onto our stage, but that might be written into the Putin-Trump naughty list! So, therefore, we couldn't be more thrilled!!

Trails of gold ribbon rain down upon our very pale but special guest, with several tiny gold vials cheerfully dropping into Putin's hands. These, we are told, are lovely gifts to be passed out to various members of the U.S. media. How very thoughtful, Vladimir!

A translator for Santa Trump's special guest tells us each vial contains a delightful holiday elixir that glows in the dark! Oooh! It will, we are told, help our American reporters to see better should they decide to send especially naughty political critiques to their editors in the middle of the night! Who said the Christmas spirit of giving was dead?! Not us!!

We hate to say it, ladies and gentlemen, but once again our time is up too soon! Thanks to our very special guest, Santa Donald Trump, the most popular president-elect ever, who leaves us with a tiny thumbs up and his very special wishes for a Merry Christmas and only a Merry Christmas!!