Excess July 4th Fireworks Will Last Well into November, Promise U.S. Teens

Austerity measures could push the fun as far as Christmas, experts say.

ASED ON this year's sales figures of Fourth of July fireworks in the U.S., experts are predicting with confidence that neighborhoods around the country "have nothing to fear in the peace-and-quiet department." Thanks to the strategic planning of teenagers around the country, enough "fun ordnance" has been stockpiled nationwide "to blast people out of a sound sleep for months to come."

"Yes, we pretty much have the Fourth of July six months out of the year," confirmed Laurie Perkins of Ames, Iowa. "It gets pretty cold here in November, but that just makes the noise louder, somehow," she added. "Is that because of science?"

For households running air conditioning on hot summer days, experts say enough of the fireworks sold "are of the illegal variety," meaning that detonations loud enough "to wake the dead" will ensure that closed windows and the white noise of air conditioning "is no match for the big stuff."

"I am so relieved to hear that!" said Mrs. Perkins' neighbor, Janet Silver. "We have central air, but I didn't want to turn it on for fear of missing all the noise. Now I can rest uneasily, knowing that I will be treated to at least some of the explosions while not relaxing in air-conditioned comfort."

Teenagers in some circles also have indicated a willingness to do their part to rein in wasteful consumption, and are therefore in discussions that may result in firework austerity measures. Experts claim such economizing "might well mean Fourth of July fireworks for the Christmas season."

"July in Christmas!" exclaimed Mrs. Perkins. "Kind of a twist on things, isn't it? I really can't wait. Who needs a 'Silent Night' anyway, that's what I say."