Lamb of God considering call forwarding as next option.
IVEN THE non-stop prayers being generated by 2012's Republican presidential candidates, Jesus Christ has announced that He will no longer be answering these calls directly, but instead will let them go into heavenly voicemail to be reviewed by His secretary, Lorna.
"No Republican candidate comes to Me but by Lorna," confirmed Jesus.
The Son of God said the sheer volume and what He called the "loopiness" of some of the prayers had made it difficult for Him to concentrate on other, more pressing entreaties.
"Not that what tie to wear at one of the four hundred Republican debates is trivial," said Jesus, with a note of holy sarcasm, "but there are a few million starving children on Earth I need to attend to."
Jesus said that the departure of Congresswoman Michele Bachmann reduced His prayer load considerably at first.
"The kooky factor was also improved initially," He noted, "but then it was as if the guys had to restore nut-job equilibrium. What is that, a law of the universe or something?" asked the Son of God.
So as not to overload His secretary with thousands of Republican voicemails, Jesus said His support team was looking into the viability of call-forwarding technology.
"Lorna is almost perfect," smiled the Lamb of God, "but even she has her limits. I don't want her requesting a lateral move."
In a brainstorming session, Jesus and His tech team came up with three possible target locations for call forwarding: Purgatory, Limbo, and Snooki's vacation house on the latest season of Jersey Shore.
"We're into threes around here," said the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
© 1.11.12 Kate Heidel