Emperors Club VIP Will Host Open House to Fill Spitzer Gap

Door prizes include automatic payroll deduction and free legal counseling.

INCE LOSING one of its most loyal customers last week, the strapped escort club for Governors and other high officials is hosting its first-ever open house to recoup lost revenues.

According to VIP's Chief Executive Madame, Ms. Trixie Sinclair, "the Emperors Club is really hurting since we lost Mr. Spitzer. He funded such a significant portion of our North American operations that we were about to post revenues exceeding our forecasts. Instead, we're having to declare first-quarter losses for the region. So we decided to don our thinking stilettos and get creative."

In an all-night brainstorming session at the Kit Kat Club, VIP's Board of Directors settled on a few key strategies:

- Introduce permanent lower price points to bring in new business. Says Ms. Sinclair, "We decided on cubic zirconium for the new tier. This complements our current diamond rating system, and will allow lesser officials a chance to become VIP members. I mean, look at the Lieutenant Governor taking over for Spitzie—he was no less deserving for being second fiddle."

- Implement the popular punchcard system for frequent customers. Ms. Sinclair boasted, "We're much more generous than Starbucks. Our clients get a punch per use, not just per visit. You could earn a freebie in one night, if you were really motivated."

- Offer "buy one get one free" specials on off nights, similar to the Dominos "two times Tuesday" pizza campaign. "In fact," said Ms. Sinclair, "we may partner with Dominos to bring pizza in on Tuesdays, since that's already a customer expectation."

VIP's strategic shift will be formally announced at the Open House. Rumors have already surfaced that interested parties should peruse the New York Times classifieds to ascertain the date and time of VIP's soiree. Hinted Ms. Sinclair, "You may find what you're looking for under 'Men seeking illicit sex with prostitutes,' and then again you may not. I'll never tell."