Mubarak Says in September He's Eligible for Full Absolute-Ruler Pension

Claims he is currently only 89% vested in matching funds.

GYPTIAN PRESIDENT Hosni Mubarak, who recently announced that he would not step down from power until September, has defended the delay by citing "the extremely slow vesting schedule for absolute rulers" in place at his pension fund.

Mubarak's Absolute Ruler Wealth Fund, managed by the African Rulers Pension System, is said to be one of the best-funded pensions in the world, in large part because of its extremely protracted vesting schedule.

Explained an anonymous ARPS fund manager, "We provide a one-hundred-percent match, which is outstanding by any measure. However, to receive full vesting in our match, you must remain an absolute ruler of the same African nation for 30 years. If, say, you're ousted by a coup in five years ruling in Kenya, and then relocate to Egypt, your vesting schedule starts anew. We do get complaints, but those are the rules for our rulers."

The fund manager went on to say that "a quick comparison with other comparable funds around the world will show you that ARPS is quite superior."

Central America's Fundo de Dictadors, for example, has a ten-year vesting schedule, "but," according to the ARPS fund manager, "the percentage of actual payouts is low compared to the percentage of actual bloody coups and subsequent raiding of said fund."

North Korea's Kim Jong-Il Glorious Pension Fund has immediate vesting, "however this is done to prevent fund managers from being executed at dawn. The incentives are slightly reversed from traditional pension structures," explained the ARPS manager.

President Mubarak says he will be fully vested at midnight on September 13, after which he plans to rollover his Absolute Ruler Wealth Fund assets into a Vanguard lifetime annuity.

"Very low operating costs at Vanguard," said the fund manager for ARPS. "I plan to do the same someday."