Issue of women's reproductive rights soon to become moot point.
photo credit: John Cummings
AVING JUST passed stringent anti-abortion legislation for Governor Rick Perry's signature, the Texas legislature this week added a rider its authors say "should keep our women safe from impregnation before holy matrimony."
The chastity-belt rider to the original legislation mandates that all girls and women of child-bearing age "shall be fitted by their doctors with the latest in chastity-belt technology, so as to prevent suitors from impregnating a female until such time as she is legally married to a male and therefore permitted to have sexual relations."
If the rider passes as expected, women in Texas will be fitted immediately, said State Senator Robert Nichols, "with their very own pretty little protection belt," to which only her doctor will have the key "until the little lady is married. Then her husband will get a copy of the key so he can unlock her when his urges overtake him," the senator explained.
Proponents say the chastity belts protect women from unwanted pregnancies and therefore the need even to consider having an abortion.
"Because in the state of holy matrimony, no pregnancy is unwanted, as you know," the state senator said. "So you see we don't have a problem after all, Houston!"
The rider legislation permits a woman to remain belt-free the entire time she is pregnant and nursing.
"We don't want our gals bein' all uncomfortable while they're motherin'," Senator Nichols said. "However, when she's done, back on it goes, little lady! I'm amazed, frankly, that we didn't think of this sooner," he added.
Governor Perry is touring the state in support of the chastity-belt legislation, calling it a "job-creation bill that will boost our economy." Indeed, rumors are floating that Perry has secretly authorized several factories across the state to retrofit equipment for manufacturing the belts.
The legislation allows women "to participate in discussions with her doctor regarding the color she would like for her protection belt." The colors currently offered in the rider are Baby Blue, Powder Pink, or Snow White, but Senator Nichols said more colors "were comin' as soon as we can think of a few more real cute names the little ladies would like."
"Who says our women don't have the right to choose?" he added.
© 7.16.13 Kate Heidel