Lindsay Lohan Signs Grover Norquist's 'No Maturity' Pledge

photo credit: Christopher Macsurak

HE WORLDS OF politics and entertainment intersected again yesterday, when troubled star Lindsay Lohan became the first celebrity to sign a "No Maturity" pledge drafted by right-wing activist Grover Norquist.

Known for his infamous "No Taxes" pledge, which has been signed by most Republican members of Congress, Norquist said he decided "to diversify my pledge portfolio" now that some prominent Republicans have shown signs of defecting.

"My new 'No Maturity' pledge is just the first of a whole stupid bunch of things I'm going to insist people promise never to do," said Norquist.

Many Lohan observers have expressed relief that the actress, who has previously fallen drunk out of limos and cried hysterically in court, was serious enough about postponing maturity to sign a pledge drafted by taskmaster Grover Norquist.

"If powerful Republican leaders were intimidated by Norquist for twenty years, then I think we're safe in believing our LiLo won't easily back out of this pledge, younger half-sister or not," confided one Lindsay watcher, remarking on recent revelations that Lindsay had a seventeen-year-old half sister, Ashley Horn.

Lindsay's publicity team released a statement immediately after the pledge signing:

"According to her pledge, Ms. Lindsay Lohan promises to Grover Norquist and her legions of fans that she 'will not, under any circumstances, become mature by reason of age, court decisions, or other unforeseen influences, such as the existence of younger siblings not yet confirmed by genetic testing, future motherhood, or outside pressures to mature because I am really starting to look pathetic.'

"We hope this puts to rest any concerns that Ms. Lohan will consider maturity now or in the future," the statement concluded.

"I'll be watching her like a hawk," said Norquist.

© 11.28.12 Kate Heidel