Simultaneous "duh"s heard 'round the U.S.
HE FEDERAL Election Commission announced today that they have almost completed distributing thousands of thinking caps to undecided voters in all 50 states and to ex-patriots across Europe and Canada.
Commissioner Lee Cullins said that most Americans were already familiar with thinking caps "from their early grade-school days," but that all caps come complete with a booklet of instructions translated into Spanish, Hmong, and Somali "for our more recent immigrant undecided."
Mr. Cullins noted that the concern at the commission was "the clear differences between the presidential candidates somehow not translating in the public mind. I mean, John McCain wants Bush tax cuts not to expire, but Obama does. And Obama wants to end the war in Iraq quickly, while McCain does not foresee an early end to the conflict. The list pretty much goes on and on."
All voters identified as "undecided" should receive their thinking caps "a good three or four days before the election," said Mr. Cullins, who added, "and as long as they don their thinking caps for at least five minutes before leaving for the polls, they should get a clue."
When asked why some Americans who had put on thinking caps in grade school did not retain their decision-making cognitive skills, Mr. Cullins replied, "the thinking caps of old could be worn without being turned on, fooling the teacher into thinking you were thinking, when you might actually have been only daydreaming or cat napping." He added that the modern, government-issue caps "are designed with just the 'on' setting available, leaving nothing to chance."
Some optimistic signs of decisiveness are already beginning to appear, as the Federal Election Commission has received several thumbs up from early recipients of the thinking cap. Joyce Maitland of Toledo, Ohio reported a sudden realization that “these two candidates stand for completely different things. How could I have been such an indecisive dufus?!"
Ms. Maitland also stated that that she would be wearing her cap before going grocery shopping, "so that I can decide what to have for supper, instead of just wandering through the aisles trying to make up my mind. What a time saver!"
© 2008 Kate Heidel
