Experts conclude the only solution is for Tiger to appear on "Celebrity Rehab."
H1 HAS announced that troubled golf champ Tiger Woods will make an exclusive, one-time appearance on its popular Celebrity Rehab show to deal with what the host of the program, Dr. Drew Pinsky, calls "Tiger's devastating loss of 3,000 friends just at the time he most needs support and fellowship."
"Dr. Drew," as he is known by viewers and patients, thinks he can help Tiger "as he navigates the bumpy, uncertain terrain of losing his many special friends while attempting to rebuild his relationship with his lovely wife Elin. We all need a support network, and I guess VH1 will have to be Tiger's support network."
When asked if by "special" he meant "female," Dr. Drew replied, "I think that's between Tiger and his Higher Power."
According to the show's producers, Tiger had initially insisted that he be treated "like any other rock star appearing on the show." Once producers had explained to the golf champ that being treated like a rock star on Celebrity Rehab did not in fact mean busloads of cocaine, catered food, and groupies, the deal was temporarily halted until executives agreed that Tiger would instead be treated "like any other billionaire golf champ on the show."
As part of Tiger's "road to recovery," he will be expected to participate in group therapy with other patients. Dr Drew says that the group experience "will allow Tiger to avail himself of hard-earned skills his group members have already honed," such as expressing feelings, rocking back and forth, and storming out of the room.
"I think Tiger is already great at storming, so it's those other two things we want him to work on during the brief time he's with us," said Dr. Drew. "What Tiger needs to do is storm back into the room, and sit next to the guy with the heroin addiction. Except for the heroin addict's choice of drug, his tattoos, purple hair, and black eyeliner, he's really no different from Tiger. And maybe his jewelry. And nail polish. And the tongue stud, but that would fall under jewelry. Take all that away, and you've got two guys with an addiction. And Tiger's lost 3,000 special friends overnight, but still."
Skeptics are saying that one appearance on Celebrity Rehab is simply not enough time on a reality show to help the distressed golf champ, and that Dr. Drew and the producers may be exploiting Tiger Woods for their own gain.
"I can see why people might think that," admitted Dr. Drew, "but really my only interest is trying to help. That's why I've invited Tiger to appear with me on Larry King so that we can go over his follow-up treatment plan in front of one million viewers. It's the right thing to do."
© 2.25.10 Kate Heidel