Tiger Woods Commences Affair with Self After Seeing Hot 'Vanity Fair' Cover

Champion golfer now fully realizes why women find him so irresistible.

NSIDE SOURCES have confirmed that Tiger Woods is now ardently courting himself as a result of having been, as one anonymous source said, "completely bowled over by his own hotness on that sizzling cover of Vanity Fair."

Holed up inside his Florida mansion, Mr. Woods was said to have been growing "desperately lovesick" while lacking the freedom to move about town without certain hounding by the press. When the Vanity Fair issue hit newsstands with the topless golf champ displayed on its cover, Mr. Woods reportedly "took one look and just fell head over heels in love with himself."

"'God, I am so bleeping hot,' he said," claimed a trusted source who was having lunch with Mr. Woods. "'I just have to have myself, or I'm going to bleeping die.' I swear, he just started mooning and pacing, until he realized that he's Tiger Woods and he can have any damn person he pleases. Then he got this self-assured smile on his face and just sat down calmly and asked himself to lunch. He played hard to get for maybe 20 seconds, tops, but then he agreed to see himself, just this once. But then it was dinner, and then it was breakfast out on the patio a couple of days later. It's been all lovey-dovey ever since."

Money appears to be no object to the golf pro, who has plied himself with the most expensive workout equipment available, as well as hundreds of knit caps in every conceivable color.

"I didn't know 'mink' was a color, but Tiger insists it is," said the secret source, adding, "Tiger just loved the whole knit cap thing so much for his cover photo that he can't stop buying them for himself. You can tell he's flattered, although he doesn't say too much. He just puts on a new cap every few minutes and gazes into the mirror and smiles. Someone's getting a little spoiled, if you ask me."

Close friends aren't speaking on the record, but one did hint that Tiger and his new love might be spotted in Aspen before too long. Apparently the entire top floor of an exclusive Aspen chalet has been rented out in Tiger Woods' name. The suites include three jacuzzis, multiple king-sized heart-shaped beds, and several sunken marble bathtubs.

"He'll get to spend quality, romantic time in the finest ski-resort community in the U.S., that's for sure," said Sheryl Martin of the Aspen Chamber of Commerce. "And the good folks of Aspen welcome him with open arms! We really don't care if he's in love with a girl, himself, or a goat, frankly, as long as the chalet gets paid."

Publicly, friends insist they'll be happy to see Tiger in Aspen, should the rumors of his visit be borne out. Privately, however, insiders say that some Tiger pals are already tiring of his recent romantic mooning.

"I've never seen Tiger so lovestruck," said one anonymous friend. "I mean, his eyes are all glazed over and he sounds positively hypnotized by himself. It's nice to see him this happy again, although it's a little tough trying to carry on a normal conversation with a man who keeps gazing into his own eyes in the mirror and making kissie noises in the air."

"We don't care," reiterated Sheryl Martin. "Welcome to Aspen, Tiger!"