White men around the globe will gather to celebrate rich heritage.
photo credit: x-ray delta one
HE INTERNATIONAL Organization of White Male Hegemonists announced during a press conference this afternoon that November has officially been designated White Male Hegemony Month.
Aptly named spokesman Bradley White, reading from his prepared notes, said the designation "was a long time in coming" and that his organization was planning "a worldwide recognition of the hegemonic role of white male influence in most parts of the world, at least the parts that matter, or we wouldn't have gone there in the first place."
Historical re-enactments will include naming only white men full persons in various constitutions, prohibiting all but white males to vote, restricting neighborhoods, hotels, and men's clubs, and assuming ownership of land and non-white civilizations just by showing up.
White men may attend as many events as they wish free of charge, but Mr. White said that non-white persons will also be admitted as long as they are willing to pay "serious" admission.
"Yes indeed, all are invited," confirmed Mr. White, "but few will be welcome."
Those lucky few, said Mr. White, will be named "honorary token white male hegemonists" by a panel of "very picky" judges. The honorary status will allow them to, as Mr. White put it, "feel for one glorious day what it's like to make up rules that benefit only you."
The honorary white male hegemonist who devises the most clever new rule will win a gift certificate worth 50 USD "good toward any item in the Hammacher Schlemmer* catalogue."
When asked why his organization chose the month of November, Mr. White said, "It was the next full month on the calendar. When December rolls around, that will also be named White Male Hegemony Month. And so on."
*Good only on merchandise marked "NONWMH Special Item." Quality not guaranteed.
© 10.26.10 Kate Heidel