Paltrow-Martin 'Conscious Uncoupling' Remark Said to Show 'Conflicted Relationship' with English

Friends to stage an intervention of sorts.

photo credit: Erprofe

HOSE CLOSE TO Chris Martin of Coldplay and actress Gwyneth Paltrow say that the couple's statement to the press that they are pursuing "conscious uncoupling" is indicative of deeper communication problems plaguing the marriage.

One woman with intimate knowledge of the celebrity duo remarked, "The two of them, although lovely people, make about as much sense as my dentist did when I was on nitrous oxide for a tooth extraction."

Martin-Paltrow's children, Apple and Moses, are also the focus of concern among the couple's friends, since of late the siblings have appeared in public looking more shell-shocked than usual.

"They have never understood what Mommy and Daddy are trying to tell them," the woman confided, "anymore than they could understand why their names are Apple and Moses. But now their darling little heads must be exploding."

She went on to explain the children's comatose demeanor by revealing that Martin-Paltrow's "crazy-speak" had shifted into high gear in an attempt to explain the separation to their little ones.

"Just the other day," the woman recalled, "Gwyneth confided to me that she took her children aside after kiddie yoga and told them that the Universe was frowning because Mommy and Daddy's souls were no longer consciously overlapping like a Venn diagram, but unconsciously flowing apart like the tributaries of the inferior vena cava. I almost called the police," she said.

So far, couples therapy has not met with success due to the inability of a raft of psychotherapists to unravel what one marriage therapist called "the couple's deeply conflicted relationship with the English language."

In response, a few close friends have hatched the idea to hold a "word-raising dinner" for Martin-Paltrow, who will be the guests of honor.

"We want to provide a festive and non-threatening environment in which normal words will be used to express all of our feelings," explained one friend.

"There's the risk of failure, true," she admitted, "but the worst that can happen is that we all leave confused."