Candidate does her best to do God’s ill-way.
EPUBLICAN presidential candidate Michele Bachmann confirmed in a campaign stop this morning in Iowa City that her latest messages from God are coming through in Pig Latin.
"It took me a few days to realize I wasn't going crazy," said the wide-eyed Congresswoman, "that instead the Lord was speaking to me, but in another language. I am so happy to report to you here today that indeed it was the Lord, and that the language He chose to speak was Pig Latin, and not ancient Aramaic or something! Mel Gibson, you are off the hook for now!!" added the perky Republican God channeler.
Ms. Bachmann said she was "just drifting off to sleep" last Wednesday evening after a busy day of campaigning when she heard a voice in her head say, "ichelle-May, oo-day oo-yay uly-tray elieve-bay?"
"I thought, 'now what in the heck is that?!' recounted the Congresswoman. 'oo-day oo-yay uly-tray elieve-bay?' Doesn't it sound so musical? That is just like the Lord."
Two evenings later, the candidate said she suddenly realized "the Lord was asking, 'Michele, do you truly believe?' And I shouted 'es-yay, ord-Lay, oo-yay et-bay I oo-day!! My husband, who is straight as the day is long, just about fell out of our Tempur-Pedic marriage bed!" Ms. Bachmann recounted.
The presidential candidate admitted to a certain befuddlement over "the blessed Lord's Pig Latin dictation," except to wonder if it was "maybe a really cute way for believers to speak in tongues?"
Bachmann was quick to add that it was not up to her "to decide what the Lord says and how He says it. aise-Pray is-Hay ame-nay, that's what I say!!"
The Congresswoman also said that God's messages in Pig Latin were becoming so frequent that she started using an internet Pig-Latin translator to read out the heavenly messages in plain English.
"It's word-recognition software, so it might not be a perfectly accurate translation, but I'll get the main points!" insisted the Republican candidate.
The two most recent translations indicate that God wants Bachmann to "Yoplait to whine" and "Reveal oh booby car."
Bachmann bowed her head and nodded. "I hear you, Lord. Amen."
© 12.7.11 Kate Heidel
