President Trump Performs First Miracle in Office, Raises Frederick Douglass from the Dead

Trump's unusual sentence structure proves once and for all that tense matters.

Frederick Douglass portrait
photo credit: via Wikimedia Commons

RESIDENT DONALD Trump heralded day one of Black History Month in the U. S. by raising Frederick Douglass—renowned 19th-century African-American author and abolitionist—from the dead.

Press Secretary Sean Spicer called Mr. Trumpís act "the first of what will likely be a series of miracles in the President's first term in office."

During Mr. Trump's televised speech, in which he made mention of such celebrated African-Americans as Harriet Tubman and Rosa Parks, the president then singled out Frederick Douglass, citing him as "an example of somebody who has done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice."

Frederick Douglass, thus referred to in the present perfect tense—which indicates an action that began in the past but continues into the present—immediately responded by rising from the dead.

The brilliant statesman was then briefed on the current status of the democracy under President Trump, as well as Trump's cabinet nominations.

Mr. Douglass reportedly nodded politely at his briefers, then announced "with your kind permission" that he would be returning "posthaste" to the eternal realm.

Press Secretary Spicer told reporters at yesterday's daily briefing, "Frederick Douglass did not actually wait for our 'kind permission.' He just up and left. Itís his call, of course, but why did he say that? I guess we'll never know, because we got the very solid impression that he's never coming back again, no matter what tense the President uses."

Spicer went on to say that President Trump "has met with an English teacher over lunch, who thoroughly briefed him on how to use only the pastest of tenses going forward when referring to the deceased, just to be on the safe side. Not that we don't love and admire Frederick Douglass, who did an amazing job. The contributions of Frederick Douglass will become more and more. Oops."

Meanwhile, Vatican officials are said to be nervously keeping tabs in the event President Trump manages to perform two more miracles, since three are required for sainthood. According to an aide to Pope Francis, "in this particular case, His Holiness is engaged in fervent prayer for no further miracles."