Dear George Santos: Should I Resign or Run for the Elevators?

Every week, Congressman George Santos of New York answers your questions about elevators and resigning.

photo credit: Got Credit

ear George Santos,

In order to get a plum job with an architectural firm in Manhattan, I made up a bunch of stuff on my resume, including that I worked on the One World Trade Center project! In fact, I’m barely out of architecture school.

I’m afraid my lies are already catching up with me. Colleagues look at me suspiciously in meetings and are starting to ask really specific questions. What do you think, Congressman, should I resign or just run for the nearest elevator?

Scared in NYC

Dear Scared,

I think I can help in your case, since I happened to be one of the lead architects on One World Trade Center. If anyone gives you trouble, refer them to my office. Definitely don't resign! But know your elevator options.

Dear George Santos,

For many years now, I’ve been living under various aliases. I’ve had a bit of a checkered past, and I don’t want my past wrongs catching up with me. Right now I have a beautiful wife and two great kids, and I want to keep it that way.

But the guilt of lying to my family is really getting to me. Do you think I should come clean? I’m afraid if my wife hears my story she’ll divorce me. So that’s like resigning I guess. Or should I just take the elevator of life and keep going like I’ve been doing?

Alias in Texas

Dear Alias,

Is this a joke? Or are you seriously growing a conscience over something that has worked to keep you out of trouble all these years? I almost didn’t reply to your letter, Alias, because there are people out there with real problems.

Oh, I get it, this is a humble brag, isn’t it. You want me to congratulate you on your double, triple, whatever-it-is life. Ok, Alias, congratulations.

And yes, like I need to say it, keep your wife and kids. You can all ride the elevator of life together forever and ever. Don’t bother me again.

Dear George Santos,

I'm ashamed to admit this, but for the last two years I've been embezzling money from my church's accounts to pay off student loans. I got into a little gambling trouble, and ate through my savings. I'm so ashamed. Should I come clean to our priest, or just run for the elevators and hope I can pay the money back one day?

Miserable in Montana

Dear Miserable,

When you say priest, do you mean Catholic priest? You do know the Church is rolling in money, don't you?

Consider me your priest. (I used to be one, you know.) This was your confession. Father Santos absolves you. Father Santos says, pray four rosaries and then one Hail Mary for every grand you "borrowed."

Now take the elevator and go home. Have a nice glass of sherry.

Dear George Santos:

I don’t need an answer from you re: resigning or running for the elevators. I just wanted to thank you for a great idea. I saw on Twitter where you claimed to have had two knee replacements, and I thought, Wow! What a great idea for getting six weeks off of work! So I did just that and have been enjoying myself immensely. Thank you, Congressman!!

Laid Back in Cincinnati

Dear Laid Back,

Are you implying that I did not have double knee replacement surgery? Resign, you little shit.