Records Show 'Cain Train' Made Frequent Stops at the Petticoat Junction

Presidential hopeful couldn't seem to stay away.

N WHAT MAY BE the final blow to Herman Cain's bid for the Republican presidential nomination, reporters have uncovered detailed records of the Cain Train itinerary showing frequent stops at the Petticoat Junction, a station near Hooterville famous for its popular Shady Rest Hotel filled with gorgeous female staff.

Since the Cain Train started chugging its way across the United States, records show it made no fewer than 253 stops at Petticoat Junction, regardless of the station's proximity to campaign stops or how inconvenient the reroute was for railroad engineers.

"We could be hundreds of miles away," one engineer said, "and Cain would say, 'take my Cain Train to the Junction!' and we would know that meant Petticoat Junction," sighed the engineer.

The Shady Rest proprietor, Kate Bradley, confirmed that Herman Cain was a "very frequent" visitor to the hotel during his stopovers at Petticoat Junction.

"Mr. Cain could not get enough of our fine hospitality," said Ms. Bradley. "He'd drop his suitcases in the foyer and say, 'Kate, honey, get Herman's room ready!' as soon as he walked through the front door."

Ms. Bradley's three lovely daughters, Betty Jo, Bobbie Jo, and Billie Jo, personally greeted the Republican candidate at the door "and," admitted Kate, "I suspect they may have just a little something to do with Herman's repeat business."

The Republican once-hopeful was reported to have enjoyed spending some of his free time in nearby Hooterville, as one local man said, "just hangin' outside the barber shop, shootin' the breeze. I remember he told me once he felt right at home in a place called Hooterville," the man continued, "and if you ask me, I think he'd like to move here."

Ms. Bradley said she eventually just left Mr. Cain's favorite room free, "because Herman was such a regular, and we didn't want to disappoint one of our best customers."

Herman Cain's campaign office released a statement regarding the Petticoat Junction visits, which read in part, "Mr. Cain will not be discussing his stopovers to the Petticoat Junction alluded to in various news reports. He will not answer any reporter's questions—not Wolf Blitzer's, not Piers Morgan's, not anyone's. We really mean it this time. He answered your questions about Ginger White, but he wasn't supposed to. Now he knows better, and you can ask until you're blue in the face, but it won't do you any good."