Romney Vows to Replace Obamacare with RomneyFamilyCare

Sweeping legislation ensures everyone who qualifies the best benefits on earth.

RESUMPTIVE Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney recently repeated his vow to repeal Obama's health-care legislation, but added a new twist to his campaign promise.

Speaking during a stopover in Houston, Romney vowed he would replace "Obama's socialist plan, which only seems like it mimics my Massachusetts plan" with what he called "RomneyFamilyCare," a plan, Romney said, "that will provide comprehensive, gold-plated health insurance to everyone who falls under the umbrella of 'Romney's family.'"

Mr. Romney told the enthusiastic crowd that current recipients of his health-care plan "include me, my wife, our children, and our parents. But as soon as I'm elected president, RomneyFamilyCare will be expanded to include our grandchildren and even first cousins."

Under the new health plan, Romney also pledges a free, one-year subscription to "to every American with the proper citizenship documentation" for the purpose of finding a legitimate genealogical link to the Romney bloodline and thus "acceptance into my RomneyFamilyCare plan for a reasonable monthly premium" when the plan is further expanded "in ten to twenty years."

Romney, who is of primarily English descent, said to reporters after the stump speech, "I bet I have hundreds, if not thousands of distant relatives around this great nation. And each and every one of them will eventually qualify for RomneyFamilyCare! We just need to phase them in gradually, so as not to weaken coverage for our current enrollees," Romney explained.

For the 350 million or so Americans who discover they are not in any way related to Mr. Romney, the presidential hopeful said his team "is hard at work putting together a pamphlet that will outline just a few of the options available to non-Romneys."

Such options are said to include first-aid classes, stitches-at-home YouTubes, and coupons for half off the first two seasons of NBC's Dr. Oz program.

In the mean time, Mr. Romney had nothing but praise for the current plan, calling it "the best darn health insurance anywhere in the world. I can't wait to roll it out to all who qualify!"