"People need their borscht," says food economist.
photo credit: liz west via Wikimedia Commons
USSIA'S BAN on food imports from the U.S. was eclipsed today when it was announced that President Vladimir Putin had also banned all of Russia's borscht exports.
A spokesman for Putin's government said, "Banning U.S. fruits and vegetables, and all of their meat and fish, and all of their dairy cannot compare to the banning of our incomparable borscht to the entire world.
"Imagine this, for it is true! We can easily manage without inferior American meat and produce, but mothers around the globe will soon feel the pain of having no more authentic Russian borscht to feed their families."
American and European markets fell sharply on the announcement, and scattered reports of beet and sour-cream hoarding were reported from Australia to the Borscht Belt.
"People need their borscht," said a food economist with the World Health Organization. "It's not as bad as the Ebola outbreak, yet I fully expect to see signs of panic once a couple of weeks go by and people still find themselves borscht-less."
The Internet has already seen hundreds of posts from commenters claiming to have mastered the recipe for a believable faux borscht, but Putin's spokesman brushed off all such efforts as "the desperation of those who know that nothing can substitute for real Russian borscht. You are fools even to try!"
In his last few minutes at the podium, Putin's spokesman confirmed for reporters that Edward Snowden had indeed been granted a three-year residency extension, adding that the former NSA analyst "will also have unlimited access to all the authentic Russian borscht he could possibly desire, seeing how none of you are getting any."
© 8.8.14 Kate Heidel