John Boehner's Wife Buys Him 'No More Tears' Baby Shampoo

"Maybe . . . it will help dry up the water works for the big baby," says frustrated Missus.

NTICIPATING another tear-intensive session of Congress for Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio), Mrs. Debbie Boehner told reporters today that she bought her husband a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's "no more tears" baby shampoo to try to stem the tide.

"He cries at the podium in the House chamber. He cries at the dinner table. Good Lord, he cried when Emmitt and Cheryl were eliminated on Dancing with the Stars," said Mrs. Boehner.

"So maybe, just maybe, if he washes his hair with a no-more-tears formula, it will help dry up the water works for the big baby," said the congressman's exasperated wife.

Speaker Boehner, who has been weeping daily over potential tax-cut expirations for the rich, said he was willing to sit down with his wife at the kitchen table "for meaningful negotiations. However, I will not waste either my time or the American people's if my wife does not put forth a serious plan. This is not a game."

Mrs. Boehner, bypassing the Speaker, went directly to the media with her plan, which she calls "The No More Tears for John Boehner Initiative," and outlined her three-point strategy:

"First, I am ready to introduce the baby shampoo as soon as this week. The no-more-tears formula must be used every time John washes his hair, no exceptions.

"Second, I will personally come into the bathroom at the conclusion of John's shampoo and towel dry his hair while making rub-a-dub sounds, like you would with your baby, until John starts to giggle.

"And finally, I will give John daily, no-more-tears affirmations to recite on his way to work each morning. He must also agree to repeat these affirmations to himself every time he gets the urge to cry."

"Hell no!" cried Speaker Boehner in a succinct rebuttal that left negotiations on shaky ground just weeks before the new session of Congress.