Course promises "you'll go out in a style reminiscent of Congressmen with actual ethics."
N RESPONSE TO a never-ending stream of Congressional sex scandals, many of which have forced congressmen to resign, the remaining males still clinging to office are now required to take "Resignation Etiquette for Sex Scandals," a new training course issued as a condition of holding office in the U.S. House or Senate.
According to the course description, the training is completed in fifteen hours and is broken down into five three-hour modules that a congressman can complete "over the lunch hour, in lieu of nap time while in session, or as a temporary break from unspecified activities that necessitated this training in the first place."
Course modules with synopses are as follows:
In this first module, you will learn the best methods of denying any sexual improprieties, how these denials can be turned to your favor later in the process, and when the time has come for you to stop denying that you had sexual relations with or sent lewd photos to that intern, Facebook friend, Twitter pal, congressional aid, aid's wife, aid's sister, aid's hot friend, prostitute, woman you met on a junket to Argentina, etc.
Whether you are planning to actually disappear for a time, or are just pretending to skedaddle, this module will give you the most effective tools to choose:
- the most plausible nature trails to be allegedly hiking on
- the best family-friendly events to be attending (e.g. bar-mitzvah/confirmation, good; family reunion at nude beach, bad)
- the best events to be flying to (e.g. humanitarian mission to any refugee camp, good; Miss Teen U.S.A. pageant, bad)
- the best celebrity homes to be visiting (e.g. Charlie Sheen, better than you might think; Jennifer Aniston, still bad).
Anthony Weiner is already working on a television deal similar to what Client #9 has landed at CNN. Learn how you, too, can leverage your current sex scandal into a $5 million media deal that will make the late journalist Harry Reasoner say, "I wish I were still alive so I could punch that guy in the nose!"
In this interactive module, you will practice our confession-at-the-podium exercises. With the aid of YouTube videos of Congressmen who came before, you will learn exactly when and how to look over at your wife, if she is there, and how to conjure her supportive image in viewers' imaginations if she has already left you, but nobody knows that yet.
Because you will be crying helplessly much of the time, our training will teach you how to minimize running at the nose and also how to sniffle away from the microphones so they don't screech with feedback.
You will also learn the art of taking a discrete shot of water for your extremely dry mouth without looking like a cocky s.o.b. jock who maybe just tweeted a photo of his junk to someone who will send it to Inside Edition.
During hiatus from your fabulous radio/T.V./satellite program, let the lecture circuit keep you front and center! We'll show you:
- the three U.S. colleges that will let you on campus
- which countries embrace naughty politicians
- how to give lectures on ethics while keeping a straight face
- how to tell tasteful jokes and still feel good about yourself.
Upon completion of the required coursework, congressmen will test their competency with a fifty-question, multiple-choice online test, which rumor has it may already have been hacked by the House Ethics Committee.
© 6.21.11 Kate Heidel