AIG Will Attract and Retain Best Chimps to Improve Operations

Generous banana incentives already tempting new talent.

DWARD LIDDY, CEO of the disgraced insurance giant, American International Group (AIG), announced this morning at a press conference that he had directed his team of talent recruiters "to throw all the old models aside in terms of how to attract the best and brightest to our organization."

"AIG is committed to revamping our recruitment process so that we can provide our customers with the best possible services," said Mr. Liddy. "We also want the American people to know that cash bonuses are a thing of the past. There are other ways to reward successful behavior, and one of those ways is with a nice, ripe, organic banana."

Unpeeling a fresh banana before the press corps, Mr. Liddy called out, "Fred? Fred would you please come out here a minute?"

Fred the Chimp waddled toward the podium, looking quite dapper in a Thom Browne pin stripe, and gently pulled the banana from Mr. Liddy's outstretched hand. When finished, Fred wiped his mouth with a handkerchief and smiled.

"Fred here is the new Divisional Manager for our domestic Asset Management operation," explained Mr. Liddy. "After reviewing Fred's impressive résumé, we are quite confident that he and the chimps he brings onto his team will provide stellar service to our customers. In short, no chimp of AIG's is going to rip anybody's face off, you can rest assured."

Mr. Liddy also announced that Darla the Chimp would head AIG's Financial Services Division, and that Life Insurance would be led by Moe the Chimp and his Dancing Girls, Twinkle, Lorna, and Kiki.

Continued Mr. Liddy, "We're especially excited to tell you that one of our International units will be managed by the renowned Italian Bike-Riding chimp, Luigi, who has already been throwing some of our more complex products in the air while riding in circles, generating higher rates of return than we ever thought possible."

When asked how bonuses would be handled to reward performance, Mr. Liddy said that bananas were "naturally, highest on the list," but were followed closely by toilet paper, nerf balls, and toothpaste.