Suzanne Somers Hired As Regular Columnist for 'The Wall Street Journal'

Actress looking forward to stringing even more words together.

photo credit: Vivanista1

N ITS continuing pursuit of excellence in journalism, The Wall Street Journal has announced its intention to hire actress and sex-hormone devotee Suzanne Somers as a regular columnist specializing in public policy.

Ms. Somers' not entirely error-ridden guest op-ed Monday on Obamacare hit the newspaper's journalistic high-water mark by coming in under 850 words.

"I believe she spelled 'Medicare' correctly," said a columns editor for the Journal, who wished not to be identified as working at the same paper.

The new Wall Street Journal columnist—whose policy résumé enumerates such career accomplishments as "putting the jiggle in Three's Company" in the 1970s and penning the notable research volumes The Sexy Forever Recipe Bible and Eat, Cheat, and Melt the Fat Away—plans to tackle some of today's most pressing public policy issues with an eye to "keeping the next-day corrections down to two paragraphs," according to Journal owner Rupert Murdoch.

Ms. Somers, reached by phone, sounded excited about her new role.

"I always said I had something to say," said Ms. Somers. "And as Boris Lenin once remarked at a party in his home town of Leningrad, 'What goes around comes around.' Isn't that the truth!"

Among the public-policy topics Ms. Somers plans to tackle include the national debt, inner-city crime, and how kegel exercises can improve sex drive in post-menopausal women.

"That last one was my idea," giggled Ms. Somers. "I'll have to run it by Rupert, but I don't think he'll mind. After all, as India Gandi used to say, 'When in Rome!'"