Threat of return taken very seriously.
photo credit: Anirudh Koul
ESPONDING TO singer Céline Dion's latest withdrawal from the performance limelight to focus on her husband's health issues, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has preemptively raised its Dion Comeback Readiness System to DionCon3.
In a statement released to the press this morning, the department defended its preemptive approach to what it called "the inevitable return of Céline Dion to stages around the globe."
Arguing that it would be "remiss of this department to fall into complacency" simply because Ms. Dion has canceled concerts through March of 2015, the statement warned of the "serious shock to the U.S. and other civilized nations if Ms. Dion suddenly returned prior to expectations, which the singer has done before and, we are confident, is capable of doing again."
Homeland Security has asked citizens "around the free world" to be on the lookout for signs of the singer's imminent return to the stage. Indicators include "sudden appearances on Entertainment Tonight, during which Ms. Dion provides cheerful updates as to the state of her husband's health," candid shots of Ms. Dion and her children in People magazine "either on an exclusive beach or on the streets of Brentwood or La Jolla with ice-cream cones," and repeated footage of the singer in prior performances, "especially when pounding her chest with the palm of her hand," a gesture the department calls "Ms. Dion's brazen signal of her defiant intentions to once again concertize innocent people."
The department also offered a few tips for what average citizens could do in the event that Homeland Security is blindsided by the singer's sudden return before it is able to raise readiness to its highest level of DionCon1, which indicates "actual Céline Dion singing and prancing across a stage that is outfitted with lights, an orchestra, and obnoxious background vocalists."
Citizens should "remain calm while attempting to leave the area as quickly as possible," while assisting those with disabilities "when stampeding is not a threat."
When removing oneself from Dion exposure is not an option, Homeland Security recommended a technique thought to have gone out with the 1960s.
"Although we could no longer recommend the technique with what we now know about nuclear war," the statement concluded, "the old 'duck and cover' maneuver may prove quite useful in this scenario."
© 8.25.14 Kate Heidel