Rupert Murdoch Hacked into Own Voicemail to 'Feel the Outrage'

Media tycoon hopes self-hacking means "we're all even."

MBATTLED News Corporation media mogul Rupert Murdoch announced today before a group of reporters that he had just hacked into his own voicemail "so that I could feel the outrage others have felt over any alleged voicemail hacking that allegedly occurred at the behest of someone with my exact name."

Murdoch said that upon learning he had hacked his own voicemail, he experienced "the stages of grief that that Kübler-Ross gal talked about. You know, surprise, disbelief, wanting to sue the pants off someone, wanting to kill someone, and finally accepting that now that I've done this horrible thing to myself, we're all even."

In the wake of a widening investigation, Murdoch insisted that "no one could possibly feel any worse than I did upon hearing my own voicemail by the back door. That is so creepy. I am completely creepy-crawly right now, and I haven't eaten or slept well since I heard messages left for myself that I should not have heard unless I used my secret code. Which I'm now going to have to change, and that, as everyone knows, can cause some serious suffering."

Despite the sensitive nature of some of his self-hacked voicemail, Murdoch told reporters that he would issue expurgated transcripts of the messages "so your readers can feel that they, too, have hacked into my voicemail. This will make me feel more humiliated and vulnerable than any mere parent of a deceased child could possibly feel."

Murdoch concluded by promising "not to rest until an entire week of my voicemail has been self-hacked, which should satisfy pretty much anyone's definition of justice."

The media giant also swore his remaining newspapers "would not let go of this story until all allegations of hacking have been thoroughly investigated and found baseless. And I can take that to the bank."